Attached Book Summary
The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
Book by Amir Levine, Rachel Heller
Feeling Lazy?Read 1 Minute Summary
Summary
"Attached" uses science and psychology to show you how to find and keep love by understanding the fundamental attachment needs that drive all romantic relationships.
Sign in to rate
Average Rating: 5
0. The New Science of Adult Attachment
Attachment Theory Explains Romantic Relationship Patterns
Attachment theory, originally developed to explain the bond between infants and caregivers, also applies to adult romantic relationships. It provides a powerful framework for understanding people's behaviors, emotions and relationship patterns. The three main attachment styles are Secure, Anxious and Avoidant. Understanding your own and your partner's attachment style is key to building a happy, secure relationship.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
What Happiness Depends On
"All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love." - Baruch Spinoza.
Your choice of romantic partner and the patterns that play out in your relationship have an enormous impact on your overall happiness and well-being in life. Attachment styles provide a roadmap for making wise relationship choices.
Section: 0, Chapter: 1
Attachment Styles Are Stable But Plastic - They Can Change Over Time
While attachment styles tend to remain fairly stable, they can change over time, especially in response to major life events or an extremely good or bad relationship experience. If you're unhappy with your current attachment style, you can take steps to become more secure by:
- Gaining insight into your attachment patterns and how they formed
- Choosing a partner with a secure attachment style
- Working to develop more security within your existing relationship
Don't feel you're doomed to repeat unhealthy patterns - change is possible with awareness and effort.
Section: 0, Chapter: 1
Dependency is Not a Bad Word
The dependency paradox refers to the finding that accepting and meeting your partner's attachment needs actually fosters greater independence and confidence in both partners. It follows these steps:
- Partner expresses need for closeness, reassurance, etc.
- You meet the need sensitively and consistently
- Partner feels secure and is able to focus outward rather than worry about the relationship
- Both of you are able to be more independent and pursue your goals with a "secure base"
Conversely, responding inconsistently or negatively to your partner's dependency needs leads to a vicious cycle of clinging and pushing away.
Section: 0, Chapter: 2
Evolution Has Programmed Us to Be Dependent on a Romantic Partner
From an evolutionary perspective, we are wired to be dependent on a romantic partner. In prehistoric times, close attachments provided safety and survival advantages. When we become attached to someone, our brain's attachment system gets activated, causing us to seek their proximity and use them as a "secure base" from which to explore the world. Accepting rather than denying these innate needs is essential to a happy relationship.
Section: 0, Chapter: 2
Emotional and Physical Health Suffer When Attachment Needs Are Not Met
Studies by Dr. Jim Coan and colleagues demonstrate the powerful impact of close relationships on regulating emotions and stress responses:
- Happily married women showed less stress response in their brain when holding their husband's hand during a mildly painful experience
- Unhappily married individuals showed higher blood pressure in their spouse's presence compared to being alone
When our innate attachment needs are not met, both our emotional and physical health are compromised. The lesson is to choose a partner carefully as they will literally shape our mind and body.
Section: 0, Chapter: 2
1. Your Relationship Toolkit
What is My Attachment Style?
The Experience in Close Relationships (ECR) questionnaire is the gold standard for identifying your attachment style across two dimensions:
- Anxiety in relationships - fear of abandonment and preoccupation with the relationship
- Avoidance of intimacy - discomfort with closeness and dependency Based on your scores you fall into one of four "quadrants":
- Low anxiety + Low avoidance = Secure
- High anxiety + Low avoidance = Anxious
- Low anxiety + High avoidance = Avoidant
- High anxiety + High avoidance = Disorganized (rare)
Knowing your style provides a starting point for understanding your relationship patterns.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Secure Attachment - "Being Warm and Loving Comes Naturally to You"
If you have a secure attachment style:
- You feel comfortable with intimacy and don't worry too much about the relationship
- You effectively communicate your needs and pick up on your partner's cues
- You share successes and problems with your partner
- You can depend on your partner and allow them to depend on you
Secure people have an internalized sense of self-worth and expect their partner to be loving and responsive. They enjoy closeness without becoming anxious about the relationship.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Anxious Attachment - "You Want to Be Very Close but Worry Your Partner Doesn't Reciprocate"
The anxious attachment style is characterized by:
- A desire for extreme closeness and "merging" with romantic partners
- Sensitivity to small changes in a partner's moods and behaviors
- Tendency to take a partner's actions too personally
- Acting out to get a partner's attention when feeling insecure
- Difficulty being alone and feeling incomplete without a relationship
- Relationships consume a large part of mental energy and emotional focus
However, with the consistent reassurance and support of a secure partner, the anxious person can become more secure over time.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Avoidant Attachment - "You Equate Intimacy with a Loss of Independence"
The avoidant attachment style involves:
- Discomfort with too much closeness and a strong need for independence/self-sufficiency
- Keeping a partner at arm's length and preventing them from getting too close
- Not opening up to partners or responding to their distress
- Relationships take up little mental energy - "out of sight, out of mind"
- Avoiding deep commitment, even in long-term relationships
- Hypersensitivity to feeling controlled or "fenced in" by a partner
While avoidants do want close relationships, intimacy feels unsafe so they use distancing strategies. Learning to identify and counter these impulses is key to finding love.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Five "Golden Rules" for Deciphering a Partner's Attachment Style
Use these five guidelines to assess a partner's attachment style:
- Determine if they seek intimacy and closeness (secure/anxious) or avoid it (avoidant)
- Assess their sensitivity to rejection (anxious) vs ability to brush it off (secure/avoidant)
- Don't rely on a single "symptom" - look for various signs that paint a full picture
- Communicate your needs and observe their reaction (responsive vs dismissive)
- Listen for what they are NOT saying/doing, not just what they do say/do
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
2. The Three Attachments Styles in Everyday Life
The Anxious Attachment Style
People with an anxious attachment style have a finely tuned radar for their partner's emotional availability. Even small signs of unavailability or disinterest activate their attachment system, triggering bids for attention and reassurance. They take a partner's actions very personally and have difficulty calming down until they get a clear sign that the relationship is safe. This sensitivity has pros and cons:
- On the plus side, they are very attuned to a partner's moods and needs
- On the downside, they often misinterpret a partner's signals and act out
Section: 2, Chapter: 5
Why Anxiously Attached People Mistake Emotional Unavailability for Attraction
Anxiously attached people often confuse the feeling of being "hungry" for someone's love with genuine attraction and compatibility. Here's how it works:
- They meet someone avoidant who sends mixed signals
- Their attachment system activates, causing preoccupation and craving contact
- When the avoidant offers affection, they feel a temporary "high"
- They start equating anxiety/preoccupation with passion and love
To break the cycle, recognize activated attachment is not the same as love. True compatibility provides peace of mind, not constant turmoil. Don't let emotional unavailability turn you on.
Section: 2, Chapter: 5
Anxious Attachment and Scarcity Attitudes
"I'm Only Compatible with Very Few People - What are the Chances I'll Find Another?"
Anxiously attached people tend to adopt attitudes of scarcity and insecurity about relationships:
- "I'm only compatible with very few people - what are the chances I'll find another person like him/her?"
- "It takes years to meet someone new; I'll end up alone."
- "Even though I'm unhappy, I'd better not let go. If she leaves me, she'll turn into a great partner - for someone else!"
Section: 2, Chapter: 5
"If I Just Keep Searching, I'll Find the One"
Many avoidants hold out for a fantasy soulmate rather than investing in real relationships. They imagine that one day they'll find a perfect partner and suddenly all their discomfort with intimacy will vanish. This belief is a mirage for two reasons:
- There is no perfect partner who will intuitively meet all of your needs. All relationships require communication and work.
- An avoidant's intimacy issues come from within. They will resurface in any close relationship unless consciously addressed.
The antidote is to take responsibility for your own attachment needs. Realize that a good relationship is made, not discovered. Then do the hard work of unpacking your fear of intimacy.
Section: 2, Chapter: 6
The "Secure Buffering Effect"
Research consistently shows that having a partner with a secure attachment style predicts greater relationship satisfaction, for both you and them. Secure individuals:
- Are comfortable with closeness and convey safety to their partner
- Effectively communicate their needs and respond to a partner's needs
- Stay emotionally engaged during conflict without getting overwhelmed
- Positively interpret a partner's behaviors as well-intentioned
As a result, a secure partner can actually increase your own attachment security over time through a process of positive "contagion." If you're anxious or avoidant, coupling up with a secure is the surest path to a happy bond.
Section: 2, Chapter: 7
Even Secure Attachers Can Get Stuck in Unfulfilling Relationships
Having a secure attachment style is generally very protective in relationships. But it doesn't make you totally immune to bad matches. Pitfalls that can trap even secures include:
- Feeling responsible for an insecure partner's happiness and tolerating bad behavior
- Failing to set appropriate boundaries with an emotionally unstable partner
- Seeing a partner's potential rather than reality and waiting too long for change
If a secure person pairs up with an extremely anxious or avoidant partner, they may get stuck caretaking and fail to get their own needs met. Periodic self-checks are important for everyone.
Section: 2, Chapter: 7
3. When Attachment Styles Clash
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap
When an anxious person pairs up with an avoidant, their opposing intimacy needs can send the relationship into a self-reinforcing tailspin:
- Anxious partner senses avoidant withdrawing and activates, increasing bids for closeness
- Increased bids for closeness overwhelm avoidant, causing them to withdraw further
- Further withdrawal reactivates anxious partner's fear of abandonment
- Cycle of pursuing and distancing continues, each partner inadvertently triggering the other
Unless both partners understand their clashing attachment needs, the relationship becomes a constant roller coaster of brief highs and prolonged dissatisfaction.
Section: 3, Chapter: 8
"The More I Advanced, the More He Withdrew"
Sara, an anxious attacher, describes falling into the trap with her avoidant boyfriend: "When I first sensed him pulling away, I started reaching out to him more, planning dates, sending cute texts. But the more I advanced, the more he withdrew. He started accusing me of being needy and picking fights over everything. I felt horrible about myself but I was totally stuck - I didn't want to lose him but I was so unhappy."
Pursuing an avoidant partner, rather than making them feel loved, often pushes them further away. It takes recognizing the cycle and finding other ways to self-soothe to break free.
Section: 3, Chapter: 8
Escaping the Anxious-Avoidant Trap
To gain insight into your attachment style and move towards security:
- List your relationship history, from first dates to long-term bonds
- Identify situations that activate your attachment system (e.g. feeling ignored)
- Note your thoughts, feelings and actions in those situations (e.g. "I'm not good enough")
- Translate your reactions into attachment terms (e.g. protest behavior)
- Observe how your insecure patterns hurt you and hold you back
- Imagine how a secure role model would act differently in those situations
Section: 3, Chapter: 9
Finding Secure Role Models to Challenge Your Insecure Habits
One of the best ways to override insecure attachment patterns is to call to mind secure role models. Think of people you know who:
- Have a healthy, stable intimate relationship
- Effectively communicate their needs and respond to their partner's
- Maintain a strong sense of self within the relationship
- Recover quickly from relationship conflicts and get back to enjoying each other
Observe what they say and do, in your mind, when you're feeling activated. Visualize yourself acting the same way. Over time, you'll internalize a more secure script.
Section: 3, Chapter: 9
The Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict
Secure couples instinctively follow five principles for handling disagreements:
- Focus on resolving the issue at hand rather than attacking the other's character
- Refrain from generalizing the conflict ("You always..." "You never...")
- Remain engaged and listen to the other's perspective
- Communicate feelings and needs clearly and directly
- Prioritize the other's well-being even when angry or hurt
Section: 3, Chapter: 9
When Abnormal Becomes Normal
In some anxious-avoidant pairings, the clash of attachment styles brings out cruel, demeaning behaviors:
- Public put-downs and criticisms in front of others
- Using the relationship as a source of status (e.g. being sweet in public but cold in private)
- Dismissing the other's thoughts, feelings and needs as unimportant
- Establishing a "taker" dynamic - one partner's needs always come first
When extreme anxious-avoidant dynamics persist, they can veer into emotional abuse. If you consistently feel diminished, unheard, or manipulated, it's a big red flag.
Section: 3, Chapter: 10
Why It's So Hard to Leave Even the Most Toxic Relationship
Even if you recognize that your relationship has become a source of constant pain, it's never easy to walk away. Two factors make it especially hard:
- Evolutionary wiring. Our attachment system perceives a breakup as a literal threat to survival. The pain and panic can feel overwhelming, even if we know logically the relationship is unhealthy.
- The "rebound effect." After a breakup, memories of the good times come flooding back and overshadow the bad. This selective memory can cause intense craving to reunite. It's not lack of willpower that makes breakups so hard. It's biology. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you grieve. In time, the intensity will fade.
Section: 3, Chapter: 10
4. The Secure Way - Sharpening Your Relationship Skills
Effective Communication - Getting the Message Across
Many people, especially those with an insecure attachment style, struggle to communicate their needs and desires directly to a partner. They may drop hints, use protest behavior, or stay silent and hope their partner figures it out. But effective communication - stating your needs clearly, calmly and unambiguously - is the best way to assess your compatibility:
- A secure partner will try to understand and meet your needs
- An anxious partner will welcome the chance for closeness and start sharing their own desires
- An avoidant partner will feel overwhelmed and potentially withdraw Your partner's response to direct communication tells you everything you need to know about their capacity for intimacy. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need from the start.
Section: 4, Chapter: 11
The Five Principles of Effective Communication
Effective communication follows five key principles:
- Be direct and unambiguous. State observations, feelings and needs clearly.
- Own your experience without attacking or blaming. Use "I feel" statements.
- Stay focused on the issue at hand. Avoid kitchen-sinking or bringing up the past.
- Show genuine willingness to hear your partner's perspective and find a mutually satisfying solution.
- Be open and non-defensive. Embrace problems as an opportunity to know each other more deeply.
Section: 4, Chapter: 11
The Telltale Signs of Insecure Conflict Strategies
Look out for these common insecure behavior patterns:
- Focusing on being right rather than being happy. Let go of the need to "win" or assign blame.
- Kitchen sinking. Stick to one issue at a time rather than throwing every past resentment into the mix.
- Hitting below the belt. Personal attacks and character assassination are always off-limits, even if your partner "started it."
- Clamming up or shutting down. Commit to staying engaged even when you feel overwhelmed. Take a short break if needed but come back to the table.
- Invalidating your partner's perspective. You can disagree while still making room for another point of view. Aim for "yes, and" instead of "no, but."
Section: 4, Chapter: 12
Related Content
How to Not Die Alone Book Summary
Logan Ury
How to Not Die Alone is a practical guide that uses behavioral science and real-life examples to help you find and maintain a fulfilling long-term relationship by identifying self-sabotaging dating patterns, practicing intentional love, and making deliberate choices.
How to Not Die Alone is a practical guide that uses behavioral science and real-life examples to help you find and maintain a fulfilling long-term relationship by identifying self-sabotaging dating patterns, practicing intentional love, and making deliberate choices.
Relationships
Psychology