An important insight about Radical Candor is that it is measured at the listener's ear, not the speaker's mouth. What feels like Radical Candor to one person may feel aggressive or insensitive to another. You have to tailor your approach to the individual and also to their cultural context.

• For an Israeli team she worked with, the author found that very blunt, almost confrontational feedback was accepted as Radical Candor. But that same style was offensive to a team in Tokyo, so she had to adjust to a style of "polite persistence" to challenge them while still showing respect.
• The takeaway is you can't just memorize some

Radically Candid phrases to use. You have to build a relationship and understand what works for each individual to challenge them while also showing you care.

Section: 1, Chapter: 1

Author: Kim Malone Scott

Sociologist Charles Derber distinguishes between "shift responses," which redirect attention to the respondent, and "support responses," which encourage the speaker to say more. Shift responses stop a conversational thread in its tracks, while support responses weave it further. Questions are support responses only if they invite the speaker to keep sharing their perspective, not argue for the listener's position. Good support questions are open-ended, neutral, and curious: "What was significant about that to you?" "How did that affect your thinking on the issue?" "What's a real-life example of what you mean?"

Section: 1, Chapter: 12

Author: Kate Murphy

To listen for the emotional meaning in a conversation:

• Pay attention to the person's tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language in addition to their words. Notice if their nonverbal cues match what they're saying.
• When someone shares a personal story, consider: Why are they telling me this? What does this experience mean to them? What are they feeling about it?
• Reflect back the underlying emotions you're hearing: "It sounds like that was really frustrating." "I can imagine how scary that must have been." This validates their inner experience.
• If their words and demeanor don't line up, gently check your understanding: "I heard you say X, but you seem upset. What else is going on?"

Section: 1, Chapter: 5

Author: Kate Murphy

Some key tips Dalio gives on using radical transparency:

• Share hardest things - increases trust long-term even if uncomfortable short-term
• Make things public so justice prevails; integrity matters more than privacy
• Be extremely open; don't let fears of judgment prevent getting in sync
• Explain reasoning openly; have integrity to be honest with all Used well, radical transparency reduces politics, exposes harmful actions, and keeps an organization aligned and performing with the highest standards.

Section: 3, Chapter: 1

Author: Ray Dalio

Lesson 12: Make eye contact and small talk: Connect with people face-to-face to break down social barriers and build understanding.

Tyranny thrives on social atomization - when people feel isolated and disconnected, they are easier to control. Counteract this by making a habit of small social interactions. Make eye contact, chat with strangers, get to know your neighbors. Build social trust and understanding in your community. This isn't just being polite; it's a civic imperative.

As Snyder notes, it helps you "stay in touch with your surroundings, break down social barriers, and understand whom you should and should not trust." Having a robust social fabric provides vital resilience and support in the face of oppression. Losing that fabric is dangerous; as Snyder writes, "When friends, colleagues, and acquaintances looked away or crossed the street to avoid contact, fear grew."

Section: 1, Chapter: 12

Author: Timothy Snyder

Good negotiators enter interactions with a mindset of discovery, looking to extract and observe as much information as possible. But most people enter with assumptions and arguments already in their head, which blinds them to what is really happening.

Hold multiple hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them. Don't treat your assumptions as gospel but as your negotiating counterpart's positions and arguments unfold before you.

Great negotiators question the assumptions that others accept on faith, and thus remain more emotionally open to all possibilities.

Section: 1, Chapter: 2

Author: Chris Voss

Humans are storytelling creatures. We find meaning and motivation through narratives that explain our past, our identity and our purpose in the world. Stories aren't just entertainment – they are how we orient ourselves and make sense of our lives.

However, we must hold our stories lightly and always be open to revising them, rather than clinging to them dogmatically in the face of evidence. Questions we can ask to assess the validity of a story:

• Does this story reflect reality or distract us from important facts?
• Is this story flexible enough to change with new information, or does it require denying inconvenient truths?
• Does this story increase empathy, compassion and wisdom or breed fear, hatred and ignorance?

Section: 5, Chapter: 20

Author: Yuval Noah Harari

We often form our mental image of what liars look like from TV shows and movies, where actors use exaggerated expressions and "shiftiness" to convey deceit to the audience. However, this bears little resemblance to real-life liars, who may appear calm, collected, and sincere. In fact, studies show that we're often more likely to judge anxious, jittery mannerisms as signs of lying, even if the person is telling the truth.

To avoid falling for the transparency illusion:

• Don't rely solely on demeanor when judging honesty
• Be aware that cultural differences can skew our perceptions
• Look for hard evidence rather than "gut feel" about truthfulness
• When in doubt, suspend judgment rather than jumping to conclusions

By letting go of the flawed assumption that we can read minds through behavior alone, we can make more accurate assessments.

Section: 3, Chapter: 6

Author: Malcolm Gladwell

While motivational interviewing emerged as a therapy technique, its core insights can improve our everyday conversations and relationships. We've all had the experience of excitedly sharing an idea with someone, only to have them tell us all the reasons it won't work. That approach usually makes us feel deflated and unheard, even if the person is technically correct. We can borrow some MI tactics:

• When someone shares an opinion, get curious about their thought process. Ask them to elaborate before jumping in with your own take.
• Paraphrase their key points back to them to signal that you're hearing them out.
• If you have a different perspective, frame it as an invitation, not an attack. "I have a different take on this - would you be open to hearing it?"

Section: 2, Chapter: 7

Author: Adam Grant

We've all found ourselves trapped in a conversation that feels like it's going nowhere, whether it's a stranger rambling on about their problems or a co-worker complaining for the hundredth time. How do you exit gracefully?

Computer science offers a surprising solution: exponential backoff. Here's how it works:

• Make an excuse to physically leave the conversation.
• If the conversation resumes when you get back, wait twice as long before your next exit.
• If it still continues, double your exit interval or distance moved yet again. And so on, until you're able to make a clean getaway.

Exponential backoff is how computer networks elegantly handle "collision" - when data from two sources arrives at the same time. Rather than keeping both senders transmitting (and colliding) indefinitely, exponential backoff has each one wait a little bit longer before retrying.

The same works socially. By absenting yourself for longer and longer intervals, or moving further and further out of range, you open up ever-larger windows for the conversation to naturally dissipate.

Section: 1, Chapter: 10

Author: Brian Christian

People typically pacify after being asked a troubling question or hearing information they dislike. Pacifying behaviors often indicate a person feels threatened because:

• They are lying and fear getting caught
• They have done something wrong and feel guilty
• The topic elicits unpleasant thoughts or memories

While normal nervousness also prompts pacification, if you see sudden pacifying directly after someone answers a question, you need to dig deeper. But use caution - while pacification suggests uneasiness, it doesn't automatically mean dishonesty.

Section: 1, Chapter: 2

Author: Joe Navarro

Humans are not rational beings, we are emotional, irrational beasts prone to cognitive biases. Negotiation is not about logic and intellect, it's about emotions and feelings.

To be a great negotiator, you have to get over your aversion to negotiating. Don't avoid conflict, learn to embrace it. Negotiation is really about getting what you want from others in a psychologically savvy way.

Successful negotiation involves getting your counterpart to do the work for you by triggering their own internal pressures and desires. The goal is to have them make your argument for you.

Section: 1, Chapter: 1

Author: Chris Voss

Whether conducting formal research or seeking to understand others in daily life:

• Go beyond surface questions about people's likes and dislikes. Invite them to share specific incidents and experiences: "Tell me about a time when..." "Describe how you felt when..."
• When someone expresses a view, probe for the story behind it: "What leads you to feel that way?" "How did you come to that conclusion?" "What was your personal experience around that?"
• Notice recurring themes and vivid examples. These are often clues to the essence of someone's perspective.
• Consciously put your own preconceptions and desired answers aside so you can receive the person's unfiltered truth. Confirm what you heard without arguing.

Section: 1, Chapter: 8

Author: Kate Murphy

When talking with others, pay attention to their arm positions. Arms that hang loose at the sides show openness and comfort, while crossed or tense arms signal defensiveness. To encourage a positive interaction:

• Keep your own arms relaxed and visible, not crossed
• Angle your torso towards the other person with arms slightly away from your body
• Use open-palm gestures when speaking
• If sitting, rest your arms on the armrests or table, not your lap

This "open arm" posture demonstrates friendliness, confidence, and sincerity. It reassures others you have nothing to hide. Closed-off arm positions, in contrast, convey insecurity or secrecy. Use the "open arm test" to gauge the other person's comfort level - and your own.

Section: 1, Chapter: 5

Author: Joe Navarro

Rather than becoming a walking polygraph, focus on creating an environment conducive to honest communication. When people feel at ease, they're more likely to open up and reveal critical information - even if it's unflattering or incriminating. To encourage truthfulness:

• Make the person feel heard and respected
• Ask open-ended questions that invite explanation
• Avoid accusations or interrogation tactics that put them on the defensive
• Mirror their positive body language to build "liking"
• Paraphrase their statements to show you're listening

Give them space to clarify or correct your understanding The more comfortable a person feels with you, the less they'll feel the need to deceive or omit. Building rapport is the surest way to reach the truth, even if it takes time.

Section: 1, Chapter: 8

Author: Joe Navarro

People will respond more positively when you make any request or suggestion seem to align with their own nobler motives. J.P. Morgan observed that a person usually has two reasons for doing something - one that sounds good and a real one.

Appeal to the one that sounds good to get them interested. For example, Rockefeller got a stubborn partner to continue a business relationship, not by emphasizing profits, but by praising his work uplifting humanity. Always help the other person feel that your suggested course of action serves the greater good and you will get more enthusiastic cooperation.

Section: 3, Chapter: 10

Author: Dale Carnegie

Using your own name creates the dynamic of "forced empathy" - it makes the other side see you as a person.Voss likes to use his own name to cut through the business tension and create a personal connection, often in a fun playful way.

For example, when a store clerk asks him if he wants to join their rewards program, he'll say "I'd love to, but only if I can get the Chris discount." Then he smiles. Or when negotiating a contract and feeling pushed into a corner, he'll say "C'mon, I'm Chris, just give me the Chris price."

Humanizing yourself with your own name is a great way to break down barriers and make the other side want to cooperate with you.

Section: 1, Chapter: 8

Author: Chris Voss

When someone is ignoring your emails, there are two magic phrases that almost always get a response.

• Email 1: "Have you given up on this project?" This suggests you are ready to walk away, triggering their FOMO.
• Email 2: "It seems like you are unable to provide an update, I understand. Let me know if I should call your supervisor to get the information."

This creates social pressure not to be seen as unresponsive.Both of these use calibrated questions and labels to reignite engagement from your counterpart and get things moving again.

Section: 1, Chapter: 5

Author: Chris Voss

We often underestimate how much communication is needed to energize a team. The solution is to purposely communicate more than you think is required.

When others share good news, respond actively and constructively to celebrate the win. Recall details of their success journey. Aim to match their excitement.

For negative news, be candid without being brutally honest. Stick to objective facts about the issue and its tangible impacts. Suggest solutions or alternatives. The goal is to discuss problems constructively without downplaying harm or becoming personal.

Proactively sharing both positive and corrective information avoids leaving people in the dark, which drains energy.

Section: 1, Chapter: 3

Author: Ali Abdaal

Imagine you're about to have a difficult conversation with a colleague who has been underperforming. As the meeting approaches, your anxiety builds until you're physically tense and mentally churning. Now imagine naming this anxiety out loud to your colleague at the start of the meeting.

What effect might this preface have on the conversation? Research suggests it could be transformative:

• By acknowledging your own anxiety, you create permission for your colleague to do the same, normalizing vulnerability and creating psychological safety.
• By framing the conversation as a shared challenge, you invite your colleague to be part of the solution rather than a target of criticism.
• By expressing your commitment to the relationship, you reduce the threat of the feedback and increase motivation to change.

Naming anxiety is a simple but powerful way to break the ice and short-circuit defensive routines in any high-stakes interaction.

Section: 2, Chapter: 12

Author: Daniel Coyle

If you sense a pause growing, try not to rush in with words to soothe your discomfort. Instead:

• View the silence as sacred rather than scary. It's a sign of comfort, not distance. Give people room to collect their thoughts.
• Notice your physical response to the quiet - quickening pulse, tensed muscles, held breath. Consciously relax and breathe slowly.
• Mentally reassure yourself that all is well. Your companion isn't judging you; they're just pondering. Meet their eyes warmly.
• If the silence stretches on, gently check in: "What are you sitting with?" "I'm here to listen whenever you're ready." Convey patience.
• When they do speak, reflect back what you heard, including any feelings: "It sounds like you're feeling really conflicted." Let them correct you.

Section: 1, Chapter: 15

Author: Kate Murphy

To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Listen intently and give your undivided attention.

Never interrupt. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. If you want to influence or impress someone, get them talking about something they are passionate about and listen with sincere interest. Carnegie quotes Sigmund Freud who said, "This is the only way to get the best of an argument – avoid it. Agree with them." Don't argue or try to speak. Just listen and they will like you more.

Section: 2, Chapter: 4

Author: Dale Carnegie

The desire to feel important is the deepest principle in human nature. "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Give others the same courtesy and appreciation you would want to receive.

Talk to people about themselves and recognize their importance. Praise their achievements and give them a reputation to live up to. Compliment people on the things you know they value most in themselves. Make them feel important through your words and actions. But always do it sincerely. Flattery only works if it is genuine.

Section: 2, Chapter: 6

Author: Dale Carnegie

To uncover Black Swans and gain leverage, you need to dig into your counterpart's worldview - what Voss calls their "religion".

Your counterpart's religion is what they believe is important, what their organization values, their standards for what is fair or good or worthy.

By understanding your counterpart's religion, you can craft your proposal in a way that resonates with what they believe and what they value. You uncover your counterpart's religion by listening closely, picking up clues in how they talk about themselves, their company, and their values.

Section: 1, Chapter: 10

Author: Chris Voss

In a world of rivalrous mimetic desire, empathy is disruptive. It allows us to understand others' desires without imitating or resenting them, and see people as they are, not as mimetic distortions

Practice disruptive empathy in charged situations:

• When someone accuses you, don't just react with a counterattack. Ponder what real failure or fear might be driving their accusation.
• When you feel jealous of another's success, imagine how it must feel to be in their shoes. What desires and pressures weigh on them?
• When embroiled in office politics, map out each player's desires. What do they really want? How can those desires be integrated?

Section: 1, Chapter: 4

Author: Luke Burgis

In moments of tension or disagreement, people will often splay their legs wide apart and firmly plant their feet to establish a dominant, authoritative stance. This "territorial display" communicates they feel challenged and intend to stand their ground.

When arguing with someone, look for this aggressive leg posture. You may need to back off or change your approach to avoid escalating the conflict. In any case, recognize the splay reveals the depth of the person's anger and conviction.

Use this tell to gauge their emotions accurately. If you're the one guilty of leg splaying, be aware it may alienate people. Adopt a more neutral posture to keep tensions from rising.

Section: 1, Chapter: 3

Author: Joe Navarro

Be mindful of how your voice may shape others' perceptions of you, even if what you're saying is on point. Studies show people judge voices that are lower-pitched, more expressive and faster as more commanding, authoritative and intelligent. Monotone or slow talkers are seen as dull or unsure, even if their content is identical.

Women in leadership can face particular challenges, as a deeper voice is seen as more "masculine" and authoritative. The good news is voice is trainable - both Margaret Thatcher and George W. Bush worked with coaches to sound more leaderly to great effect.

Section: 2, Chapter: 5

Author: Leonard Mlodinow

Introverts and extroverts often have different communication styles, which can lead to misunderstandings. Some key differences:

• Introverts may find small talk draining, while extroverts are energized by it
• Introverts often think before speaking; rapid-fire responses are harder
• Introverts like to dive deep into subjects; too many quick topic changes are frustrating
• Introverts often communicate better in writing than verbally

To communicate effectively with introverts:

• Respect their need for pauses and contemplation; don't rush them
• Engage them 1-on-1 rather than in large groups when possible
• Go beyond superficial chitchat to discuss topics of substance
• Understand that their reserve is not coldness; they show affection differently

Section: 4, Chapter: 10

Author: Susan Cain

To effectively persuade and influence others:

1. Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. That only breeds resentment.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want by talking in terms of their wants and needs, not yours.
4. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. "If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."

Section: 1, Chapter: 3

Author: Dale Carnegie

Tips to listen with more curiosity:

• Approach conversations with an attitude of openness and discovery. Assume the other person has something novel and interesting to share.
• Ask questions that allow the speaker to share new information, not ones that confirm what you already know or think. Avoid leading questions.
• When someone shares something, dig deeper to understand their values, motivations and feelings - not just the surface facts. Ask them to elaborate.
• Notice when your mind starts to wander or judge. Bring your focus back to the speaker with fresh curiosity.

Section: 1, Chapter: 3

Author: Kate Murphy

To listen with full sensitivity, you need self-knowledge as well as other-knowledge. The more aware you are of your own mental models, biases, and emotional soft spots, the less they'll interfere with your perceptions of others. Conversely, a lack of self-insight makes you more likely to project your assumptions and issues onto others. That's why psychoanalysts undergo their own therapy, to recognize and stem their distortions. It's also why emotionally intelligent people, who have clearer understandings of their inner landscapes, tend to be the most astute and empathetic listeners.

Section: 1, Chapter: 10

Author: Kate Murphy

To make your message "sticky," pay close attention to its structure and format, not just its content:

• Break it down into the simplest possible terms so people can understand and absorb it
• Tell stories, use humor, and create curiosity to engage people's emotions
• Provide specific, concrete calls to action so people know exactly what to do
• Don't overwhelm with information; be succinct and prioritize the core message
• Constantly test and refine your approach based on feedback and results

The goal is to package your message in a way that makes it impossible to ignore and easy to spread.

Section: 1, Chapter: 3

Author: Malcolm Gladwell

To cultivate a more improvisational, constructive listening style:

• Receive what others say with a "yes" stance, even if you disagree. Aim to understand their perspective fully before counterarguing.
• Build on their ideas in a collaborative spirit. Find points of commonality rather than opposition.
• If their statements seem off-base, get curious about their reasoning rather than instantly dismissive.
• Share your own foibles and quirks, not just your polished persona. A little vulnerability begets vulnerability.
• Listen with all your senses. Mirror the other person's posture, expressions, tone, and energy level to better grasp their whole message.

Section: 1, Chapter: 9

Author: Kate Murphy

Ways to listen beyond assumptions and tribes:

• Notice when you mentally slot someone into a category after learning some basic fact about them. Catch and question that assumption.
• Get curious to discover what lies beneath the labels and social signals people project. What are their individual stories, motivations, doubts? -Consider how your own unique backstory has shaped your views and identity. Allow that people with different affiliations/beliefs also have complex underpinnings.
• Remember that you can't know someone's mind from group demographics. Listen to hear their particular thoughts and experiences.

Section: 1, Chapter: 4

Author: Kate Murphy

Pushing hard for "yes" doesn't actually get a negotiator any closer to a win, it just angers the other side. No one likes feeling persuaded or pushed around."

No" is not rejection, it often means things like: I am not yet ready to agree; You are making me feel uncomfortable; I do not understand; I don't think I can afford it; I want something else; I need more information; or I want to talk it over with someone else.

Great negotiators seek "No" because they know that's often when the real negotiation begins. "No" provides a great opportunity for both parties to clarify what they don't want, and ultimately work together to craft a solution.

Section: 1, Chapter: 4

Author: Chris Voss

Steepling - touching the tips of spread fingers together like a church steeple - is one of the most powerful high-confidence tells. People will often steeple after making an important point or when feeling self-assured. The height of the hands indicates the degree of confidence:

• Steepling over the head shows supreme confidence bordering on arrogance
• Steepling at chest level indicates a strong sense of self-assurance and authority
• Steepling at waist level, more common for women, demonstrates quiet self-esteem
• Watch for changes in steepling behavior to gauge a person's fluctuating confidence levels.

Section: 1, Chapter: 6

Author: Joe Navarro

While we are born curious, life experiences can diminish our innate inquisitiveness about others. Great listeners maintain a childlike curiosity and fascination with other people's thoughts, feelings and experiences, even those very different from their own. They are eager to learn something new from every interaction. Examples include Studs Terkel, who interviewed people from all walks of life for his book Working, and IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad, who made a habit of querying both customers and employees to better understand their needs and perspectives.

Section: 1, Chapter: 3

Author: Kate Murphy

To accurately interpret nonverbal cues, always consider the context in which they occur. The same behavior can mean different things in different situations. For example:

• Crossed arms might indicate discomfort and defensiveness during a tense negotiation, but may simply show a relaxed posture while casually conversing with a friend.
• Lip compression can reveal stress or disapproval when discussing an unpleasant topic, but might just result from concentration while solving a challenging problem. Evaluating cues in light of the circumstances and looking for sudden changes in behavior will enable you to decipher their true meaning. Don't jump to conclusions based on a single tell.

Section: 1, Chapter: 1

Author: Joe Navarro

When you need to correct or criticize someone, start by giving them sincere praise and appreciation for their good points. This makes them more receptive to your critique. It's like the old saying "a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down". For example:

• "We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. However, if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better."
• "I heard you had trouble with your car yesterday and appreciate you still making it to the sales meeting on time. I did notice that some of your reports were incomplete..." By starting with praise, you get the other person to let their guard down and avoid getting defensive or resentful.

Section: 4, Chapter: 1

Author: Dale Carnegie

We all know a bright smile and twinkling eyes indicate happiness. But what do negative facial cues look like? Watch for:

• Tightened jaw muscles: A clenched jaw signals stress, anger or disapproval. Often the lips will also compress or purse.
• Eyebrow furrowing: When the brows lower and draw together, it shows concern, confusion or concentration. The more intense the furrowing, the stronger the emotion.
• Squinting: Narrowed eyes indicate suspicion, doubt or dislike. We instinctively squint at things that bother us.
• If you observe these facial tells repeatedly in an interaction, explore what's causing the person's distress. Don't ignore the warning signs etched in their features.

Section: 1, Chapter: 7

Author: Joe Navarro

To detect meaningful changes in a person's body language, first establish their normal behavioral patterns - their baseline. Observe how they typically use their hands, hold their body, react to stress, etc. Then watch for deviations from this baseline as your interaction unfolds.

For instance, if someone is generally still but suddenly starts fidgeting and tapping their foot after you ask them a question, this abrupt change indicates the topic makes them uncomfortable and bears further exploration. Without having gauged their usual mannerisms, you may miss or misinterpret such telling behavioral shifts. Strive to identify a person's baseline behaviors early in your encounters.

Section: 1, Chapter: 1

Author: Joe Navarro

Labeling is a way of validating someone's emotion by acknowledging it verbally. Give their emotion a name and you show you identify with how they feel.

The key is to label in a neutral tone, staying calm yourself. Simple phrases like "It seems like..." or "It sounds like..." work well. The magic of labeling emotions is it diffuses them. When people feel understood, their defensive walls come down and they are more open to influence.

Labeling negative emotions helps to de-escalate conflicts, while positively affirming your counterpart's worldview.

Section: 1, Chapter: 3

Author: Chris Voss

Your smile is a messenger of your goodwill. Here are some key points about smiling:

• Smile even when on the phone. It comes through in your voice.
• If you don't feel like smiling, force yourself to smile. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.
• Your smile is a subtle way of saying "I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you."
• Most people smile fewer than 20 times per day. Increase that to over 50.
• Make a conscious effort to put a smile on your face in every interaction.

Section: 2, Chapter: 2

Author: Dale Carnegie

Habit 5 holds that the key to effective communication is empathic listening - deeply understanding the other person's perspective before sharing your own. This is challenging because we tend to:

• Listen autobiographically, filtering everything through our own experiences
• Listen selectively, hearing only parts of the conversation
• Listen with intent to reply, preparing a response rather than focusing on the speaker
• Listen to facts and words, but miss the meaning and feeling behind them

To practice empathic listening:

• Mimic content: Repeat back the speaker's words to capture what they said.
• Rephrase content: Summarize their message in your own words.
• Reflect feeling: Verbalize the emotions you hear behind the words.
• Rephrase and reflect: Combine steps 2 and 3 - "You feel X because Y."

When others feel deeply understood, they become far more open to understanding your perspective in return. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Make the listener feel heard before sharing your views.

Section: 3, Chapter: 7

Author: Stephen Covey

If you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said "Assume a virtue, if you have it not."

• If a child is shy and withdrawn, comment on how they are really coming out of their shell lately.
• If an employee is struggling with punctuality, comment on how you appreciate how reliable and conscientious they usually are about their schedule.

By "giving them a reputation to live up to", you subconsciously influence them with a strong motivation to prove your high perception of them is correct. Most people will work tirelessly to avoid disappointing you or tarnishing the fine reputation you have ascribed to them.

Section: 4, Chapter: 7

Author: Dale Carnegie

Some ways to start being a better listener:

• When someone is talking to you, give them your full attention. Don't look at your phone or let your mind wander.
• Ask open-ended questions to draw the person out and show interest in what they're saying. Don't just wait for your turn to talk.
• Reflect back what you heard the person say, to ensure you understood them correctly.
• Notice the person's body language and tone in addition to their words. There is often meaning beneath the surface.

Section: 1, Chapter: 1

Author: Kate Murphy

The F-word - "Fair" - is an emotional term people exploit to put the other side on the defensive. When your counterpart drops the F-bomb, don't get suckered into a concession.

Instead, ask them to explain how you're mistreating them.The best way to use "Fair" is at the start of the negotiation. Say "I want you to feel I'm treating you fairly at all times. So please stop me at any time if you feel I'm being unfair and we'll address it."

Using "Fair" in this way sets you up as an honest dealer and gives your counterpart permission to use the word "Fair" in the negotiation

Section: 1, Chapter: 9

Author: Chris Voss

Saying "I'm wrong" not only establishes your honesty but often helps solve the problem created by the error. When we defend our position and fight for our stance, it breeds resentment in the other person who feels attacked.

By contrast, admitting our mistakes and taking responsibility for them often causes the other person to respond with sympathy and generosity. Don't defend a mistake; take ownership of it swiftly and earnestly, and the other person will likely minimize it and take your side.

Section: 2, Chapter: 3

Author: Dale Carnegie

Strategies to listen better to different viewpoints:

• Adopt a mindset of curiosity: What can I learn from this alternate perspective? What are the grains of truth here? How did this person arrive at their position?
• Remember that hearing someone out doesn't mean you agree with them. It just means you're willing to consider their view and reasoning.
• Notice when you start to feel triggered and reactive. Take a breath and refocus on trying to understand, not attack or defend.
• Ask open questions to better grasp their experience and logic: "What leads you to see it that way?" "What most concerns you about the other position?" "What's a real-life example of what you mean?"
• Acknowledge common ground, even if it's small. Emphasize shared hopes and values, not just differences.

Section: 1, Chapter: 7

Author: Kate Murphy

Numerous studies demonstrate the unconscious power of touch to shape behavior and perceptions. For example:

• Waiters who lightly touched customers on the arm or shoulder as they returned change received significantly higher tips than those who avoided contact.
• People were twice as likely to sign a petition or fill out a survey if the requester quickly touched their arm.
• Basketball teams whose players touched each other more (high fives, fist bumps, hugs, etc.) had higher performance, controlling for individual talent.

Section: 2, Chapter: 5

Author: Leonard Mlodinow

Our hands reflect our inner state by automatically moving in sync with our thoughts and feelings. When words and gestures align, it shows congruence and authenticity. But when the hands contradict the message, it signals dissonance and possible dishonesty.

If someone makes a bold claim like "I'm certain about this" while wringing their hands or fidgeting, their words and body language don't match. This hand-mind disparity reveals doubt, no matter how much bravado they project verbally. Before accepting such statements at face value, probe further to uncover the source of their inconsistency. If your own hands undercut your point, acknowledge the disconnect to restore credibility.

Section: 1, Chapter: 6

Author: Joe Navarro

If a person's torso and feet orient away from you while talking, they likely feel disinterested or want to leave the conversation. Even if their face remains friendly, this "torso shielding" indicates psychological disengagement. Other distancing cues include:

• Crossing arms tightly
• Holding objects in front of chest
• Twisting torso to angle body away
• Placing barriers like a purse or pillow on lap

When you notice someone progressively shutting you out with their body language, gracefully end the interaction before they tune out completely. And if you catch yourself torso shielding, consider what's causing your discomfort and how you can reengage.

Section: 1, Chapter: 4

Author: Joe Navarro

When someone feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, they become much more likely to open up and reveal more of themselves. This is called unconditional positive regard, and it is crucial to reaching negotiation breakthroughs.

Negotiators can trigger it by skillfully summarizing and labeling their counterpart's perspective until they respond with "that's right."

Humans have an innate urge to socially constructive behavior. The more a negotiator makes their counterpart feel understood and positively affirmed, the more likely they are to act in a positive and collaborative way.

Section: 1, Chapter: 5

Author: Chris Voss

The sweetest two words in any negotiation are "That's right." When someone says "you're right" they are not really agreeing, just getting you to leave them alone.

But when they say "that's right", they feel truly understood and are open to being persuaded. Strive to reach "that's right" not "you're right." To get to "that's right", summarize and paraphrase their worldview back to them until they respond with "that's right." This creates breakthroughs.

Section: 1, Chapter: 1

Author: Chris Voss