Never Split The Difference Book Summary
Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It
Book by Chris Voss
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Summary
Never Split the Difference teaches that negotiation is not about logic and rationality, but about emotional intelligence, empathy, and the subtle art of getting into your counterpart's head to uncover their real motivations and desires.
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The FBI's Lead International Kidnapping Negotiator
Chris Voss, the author, was the FBI's lead international kidnapping negotiator. He worked on over 150 international hostage cases during his 24-year career with the FBI. Through his experience negotiating with terrorists, bank robbers, and kidnappers, Voss developed a new approach to high-stakes negotiation based on emotional intelligence and empathy.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
Negotiation Is Not Rational, It's Emotional
Humans are not rational beings, we are emotional, irrational beasts prone to cognitive biases. Negotiation is not about logic and intellect, it's about emotions and feelings.
To be a great negotiator, you have to get over your aversion to negotiating. Don't avoid conflict, learn to embrace it. Negotiation is really about getting what you want from others in a psychologically savvy way.
Successful negotiation involves getting your counterpart to do the work for you by triggering their own internal pressures and desires. The goal is to have them make your argument for you.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
The FBI's Covert Negotiation Weapons
Over two decades of experience, the FBI Crisis Negotiation Unit developed a framework of proven negotiation tactics:
- Active Listening: Listen intently to your counterpart and make them feel understood
- Tactical Empathy: Recognize and vocalize your counterpart's perspective without necessarily agreeing
- Mirroring: Imitate your counterpart's speech patterns to build rapport
- Labeling: Put their feelings into words to show understanding and diffuse negativity
- Paraphrasing: Repeat back what they say in your own words
- Summarizing: Combine paraphrasing and labeling to reinforce key points
- Calibrated Questions: Gently say no by asking open-ended questions that start with "how" or "what"
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
Getting to "That's Right"
The sweetest two words in any negotiation are "That's right." When someone says "you're right" they are not really agreeing, just getting you to leave them alone.
But when they say "that's right", they feel truly understood and are open to being persuaded. Strive to reach "that's right" not "you're right." To get to "that's right", summarize and paraphrase their worldview back to them until they respond with "that's right." This creates breakthroughs.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
Don't Go In With Assumptions
Good negotiators enter interactions with a mindset of discovery, looking to extract and observe as much information as possible. But most people enter with assumptions and arguments already in their head, which blinds them to what is really happening.
Hold multiple hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them. Don't treat your assumptions as gospel but as your negotiating counterpart's positions and arguments unfold before you.
Great negotiators question the assumptions that others accept on faith, and thus remain more emotionally open to all possibilities.
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
The Secret To Gaining The Upper Hand
"The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need and get them feeling safe enough to talk about what they want. The latter will help you discover the former. Wants are easy to talk about, representing the aspiration of getting your way, and sustaining any illusion of control we have as we begin to negotiate; needs imply survival, the very minimum required to make us act, and so make us vulnerable."
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
Using Your Voice to Establish Rapport
There are 3 voice tones available to negotiators:
- The late-night FM DJ voice: Use selectively to make a point. Downward inflecting, calm and slow. Creates an aura of authority and trustworthiness without triggering defensiveness.
- The positive/playful voice: Should be your default. Voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Relax and smile while talking.
- The direct or assertive voice: Used rarely. Will cause problems and pushback.
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
Mirroring
During a hostage negotiation, Voss asked the hostage taker "We chased your driver away?" mirroring the kidnappers own words back to him. This simple mirroring led the kidnapper to start "vomiting" information, admitting key details about his accomplice they didn't previously know about.
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
Don't Feel Their Pain, Label It
Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow. It's bringing our attention to both the emotional obstacles and the potential pathways to getting an agreement done. The steps are:
- Actively listen to their side
- Vocalize the underlying emotions you hear (labeling)
- Pause and let them talk more
- Repeat until they have vented all their emotions and feel understood
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Labeling Emotions Diffuses Them
Labeling is a way of validating someone's emotion by acknowledging it verbally. Give their emotion a name and you show you identify with how they feel.
The key is to label in a neutral tone, staying calm yourself. Simple phrases like "It seems like..." or "It sounds like..." work well. The magic of labeling emotions is it diffuses them. When people feel understood, their defensive walls come down and they are more open to influence.
Labeling negative emotions helps to de-escalate conflicts, while positively affirming your counterpart's worldview.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
"No" Means Many Things
Pushing hard for "yes" doesn't actually get a negotiator any closer to a win, it just angers the other side. No one likes feeling persuaded or pushed around."
No" is not rejection, it often means things like: I am not yet ready to agree; You are making me feel uncomfortable; I do not understand; I don't think I can afford it; I want something else; I need more information; or I want to talk it over with someone else.
Great negotiators seek "No" because they know that's often when the real negotiation begins. "No" provides a great opportunity for both parties to clarify what they don't want, and ultimately work together to craft a solution.
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
Let the Other Side Go First
"The other guy has stuff he's not showing you, and you're going to have to get him to talk about it. To uncover these things, you have to let him go first. You've got to really listen and look for those opportunities where he reveals his hand."
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
Creating Unconditional Positive Regard
When someone feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, they become much more likely to open up and reveal more of themselves. This is called unconditional positive regard, and it is crucial to reaching negotiation breakthroughs.
Negotiators can trigger it by skillfully summarizing and labeling their counterpart's perspective until they respond with "that's right."
Humans have an innate urge to socially constructive behavior. The more a negotiator makes their counterpart feel understood and positively affirmed, the more likely they are to act in a positive and collaborative way.
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
"You're Right" Is Not Agreement
Voss' son Brandon was a high school football player who tackled blockers head on, even when coached not to. Voss explained to him why this was bad, and Brandon would say "You're right" but then go right back to the bad behavior. "You're right" was not real agreement, just a way to end the conversation.
So Voss tried another approach - he summarized and labeled Brandon's worldview, saying "You seem to think it's unmanly to dodge a block." Brandon thought about it and said "That's right." This was a breakthrough - Brandon now saw the real reason for his behavior and was able to change it. "You're right" is often counterfeit, while "that's right" is a sign of true agreement and openness.
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
The Two Magic Email Phrases
When someone is ignoring your emails, there are two magic phrases that almost always get a response.
- Email 1: "Have you given up on this project?" This suggests you are ready to walk away, triggering their FOMO.
- Email 2: "It seems like you are unable to provide an update, I understand. Let me know if I should call your supervisor to get the information."
This creates social pressure not to be seen as unresponsive.Both of these use calibrated questions and labels to reignite engagement from your counterpart and get things moving again.
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
Deadlines Are Often Arbitrary
Deadlines are often arbitrary and almost never trigger the consequences we think - or are told - they will. The other side uses deadlines to put pressure on you, but in reality, they are often just a negotiation tactic.
The best way to use deadlines is to impose them on the other side. For example, kidnappers would give the FBI deadlines, but Voss' team figured out the kidnappers just wanted ransom by Friday to party on the weekend. So the FBI used that knowledge to drag out negotiations until Thursday or Friday, when the kidnappers were more flexible.
Section: 1, Chapter: 6
Anchor Their Emotions In Preparation For A Loss
fore you make an offer, emotionally anchor your counterpart by saying how bad it will be. Steps:
- Warn your counterpart first: "I've got a lousy proposition for you"
- Then put out your offer: "We can only pay $500, but let me tell you why..."
- Silence - let it sink in, and do not make a counteroffer
- When making your offer, use precise non-round numbers like $517 vs $500
Section: 1, Chapter: 6
Loss Aversion Is A Powerful Motivator
People will take greater risks to avoid losses than to achieve gains. Make sure your counterpart sees there is something to lose by inaction.
But don't try to force your counterpart to admit that you're right. Aggressive confrontation is the enemy of constructive negotiation.
Avoid questions that can be answered with "yes" or tiny pieces of information. These require little thought and inspire the need for reciprocity. Instead, ask calibrated questions that start with "How" or "What." This will give your counterpart the illusion of control and inspire them to speak at length, revealing important information.
Section: 1, Chapter: 6
Avoiding Confrontational Showdowns
In the 1993 Waco siege, negotiators were dealing with David Koresh, a man who believed he was the Messiah. Traditional bargaining tactics and "rational" arguments were useless. The FBI negotiators tried to get Koresh to see their way but ended up in a series of useless confrontational showdowns.
In situations like this, negotiators need to avoid head-on disagreements and instead "seduce" the other party by asking calibrated "How?" questions.
For example, instead of telling Koresh his demands were crazy, they could have asked "How am I supposed to get that for you?" This would have made Koresh feel in control while still leading him to realize his position was unreasonable.
Section: 1, Chapter: 7
The Negotiation One-Sheet
To prepare for a negotiation, Voss recommends making a one-page 'negotiation sheet' that summarizes:
- The goal you want
- A summary of key facts about the situation
- Labels and calibrated questions for an accusation audit
- Calibrated questions you can use to shape the negotiation
- Noncash items possessed by your counterpart that would be valuable
Section: 1, Chapter: 7
"Yes" Is Nothing Without "How"
In a negotiation, your job isn't just to get an agreement, but to get your counterpart to follow through on the agreement. Asking "How?" questions is the key to guaranteeing execution.
For example, "How will we know we're on track?" and "How will we address things if we find we're off track?"Ask calibrated "How" questions until your counterpart answers "That's right."
Only then will you have confidence they will execute."Yes" is meaningless without a strong commitment to "How." Asking "How" ensures your counterpart has a plan and a vision of the successful outcome.
Section: 1, Chapter: 8
The 7-38-55 Percent Rule
When it comes to negotiation, the 7-38-55 Percent Rule states that:
- 7 percent of a message is based on the words while,
- 38 percent comes from the tone of voice and,
- 55 percent from the speaker's body language and face.
This means that most of the important information is coming through the way you say it, not what you say. Skilled negotiators pay very close attention to tone of voice and body language to gain additional insights.
Section: 1, Chapter: 8
The Chris Discount
Using your own name creates the dynamic of "forced empathy" - it makes the other side see you as a person.Voss likes to use his own name to cut through the business tension and create a personal connection, often in a fun playful way.
For example, when a store clerk asks him if he wants to join their rewards program, he'll say "I'd love to, but only if I can get the Chris discount." Then he smiles. Or when negotiating a contract and feeling pushed into a corner, he'll say "C'mon, I'm Chris, just give me the Chris price."
Humanizing yourself with your own name is a great way to break down barriers and make the other side want to cooperate with you.
Section: 1, Chapter: 8
Be Aware of the F-Word
The F-word - "Fair" - is an emotional term people exploit to put the other side on the defensive. When your counterpart drops the F-bomb, don't get suckered into a concession.
Instead, ask them to explain how you're mistreating them.The best way to use "Fair" is at the start of the negotiation. Say "I want you to feel I'm treating you fairly at all times. So please stop me at any time if you feel I'm being unfair and we'll address it."
Using "Fair" in this way sets you up as an honest dealer and gives your counterpart permission to use the word "Fair" in the negotiation
Section: 1, Chapter: 9
Ackerman Bargaining
Voss recommends using the Ackerman Bargaining system to negotiate price. The steps are:
- Set your target price (your goal).
- Set your first offer at 65 percent of your target price.
- Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (to 85, 95, and 100 percent).
- Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying "No" to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer.
- When calculating the final amount, use precise, non-round numbers like, say, $37,893 rather than $38,000. It gives the number credibility and weight.
- On your final number, throw in a non-monetary item (that they probably don't want) to show you're at your limit.
Section: 1, Chapter: 9
Black Swans - Unknown Unknowns
Black Swans are powerful unknown unknowns - things we don't know that we don't know. They are events or pieces of information that sit outside our regular expectations and therefore cannot be predicted. For negotiators, Black Swans are the hidden and unexpected pieces of information that, if uncovered, give you an upper hand in the negotiation. For example, in the sale of a company, the Black Swan might be that the owner is going through a divorce and needs to sell quickly.
Section: 1, Chapter: 10
This concept is also discussed in:
The Black Swan
The Three Types of Leverage
There are three types of leverage you can use in a negotiation:
- Positive leverage: Ability to provide or withhold things your counterpart wants.
- Negative leverage: Ability to make your counterpart suffer.
- Normative leverage: Using your counterpart's norms or standards to advance your position. For example, if your counterpart says they pay their people fairly, you can use that to argue for a fair salary.
Black Swans can provide either positive, negative or normative leverage that you can use to your advantage.
Section: 1, Chapter: 10
Religion - Digging Into Your Counterpart's Worldview
To uncover Black Swans and gain leverage, you need to dig into your counterpart's worldview - what Voss calls their "religion".
Your counterpart's religion is what they believe is important, what their organization values, their standards for what is fair or good or worthy.
By understanding your counterpart's religion, you can craft your proposal in a way that resonates with what they believe and what they value. You uncover your counterpart's religion by listening closely, picking up clues in how they talk about themselves, their company, and their values.
Section: 1, Chapter: 10
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