You're Not Listening
What You're Missing and Why It Matters
Book by Kate Murphy
Summary
In You're Not Listening, Kate Murphy illuminates the profound power of listening to enrich our relationships and unlock our creative potential, while offering penetrating insights and practical tips to help us reclaim this lost art in our distracted, disconnected modern lives.
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Our Epidemic Of Loneliness Is Partly Due To Not Listening
The author argues that a key reason for the current epidemic of loneliness, isolation and alienation is that people have lost the ability to truly listen to one another. While we may talk to more people than ever before via social media and messaging, few people feel they have anyone who really listens to them in a deep way. This has led to widespread feelings of disconnection.
"Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak." - Epictetus
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
The Negative Health Impact Of Loneliness
The book cites epidemiological research showing that the health impact of feeling isolated and disconnected is worse than smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness increases the risk of premature death as much as obesity and alcoholism. It is also linked to heart disease, stroke, dementia, and weakened immunity.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
Make An Effort To Truly Listen To People In Your Life
Some ways to start being a better listener:
- When someone is talking to you, give them your full attention. Don't look at your phone or let your mind wander.
- Ask open-ended questions to draw the person out and show interest in what they're saying. Don't just wait for your turn to talk.
- Reflect back what you heard the person say, to ensure you understood them correctly.
- Notice the person's body language and tone in addition to their words. There is often meaning beneath the surface.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
Your Brain Waves Sync Up With Someone When You're Truly Listening
Neuroscientist Uri Hasson conducted a study where he had subjects listen to someone telling a story while undergoing fMRI scans. He found that the greater the overlap between the speaker's brain activity and the listener's brain activity, the better the communication and understanding between them. Good listeners' brain waves literally sync up with the speaker, leading to greater connection.
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
Listening Is An Act Of Love And Generosity
"To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person's narrative."
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
The Best Listeners Are Endlessly Curious About Others
While we are born curious, life experiences can diminish our innate inquisitiveness about others. Great listeners maintain a childlike curiosity and fascination with other people's thoughts, feelings and experiences, even those very different from their own. They are eager to learn something new from every interaction. Examples include Studs Terkel, who interviewed people from all walks of life for his book Working, and IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad, who made a habit of querying both customers and employees to better understand their needs and perspectives.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
People Love Talking About Themselves
In a study, commuters on Chicago trains were assigned to either talk to a stranger, sit in solitude, or do whatever they normally do. While subjects expected to be least happy talking to strangers, the opposite was true - those who engaged with strangers were most satisfied with their commute. The study suggests that people welcome the opportunity to talk about themselves and have someone take an interest in their lives, even if it's a stranger. But social norms discourage us from these interactions.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Curious Listening Means Parking Your Ego And Being Open To Surprises
Tips to listen with more curiosity:
- Approach conversations with an attitude of openness and discovery. Assume the other person has something novel and interesting to share.
- Ask questions that allow the speaker to share new information, not ones that confirm what you already know or think. Avoid leading questions.
- When someone shares something, dig deeper to understand their values, motivations and feelings - not just the surface facts. Ask them to elaborate.
- Notice when your mind starts to wander or judge. Bring your focus back to the speaker with fresh curiosity.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
We Overestimate How Well We Know Our Loved Ones
There's an assumption that we know our romantic partners, family members and close friends very well. But research shows that closeness leads us to overestimate our insight into loved ones' inner lives. Because we feel so familiar with them, we stop really listening. We think we already know what they'll say or how they'll react. Psychologist Judith Coche sees this often with the distressed couples she counsels, who have stopped genuinely attending to one another. The lesson is that understanding loved ones is an ongoing process that requires continual curious listening, not a one-time achievement.
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
Social Thirst Makes People Signal Their Identity And Values More
Before social media, overt signaling of one's identity, values and group affiliations was most common among teenagers - think goths, jocks, stoners, etc. But in today's fractured world, more adults engage in such social signaling, online and off. People advertise their diets, political leanings, and cultural tastes. While this allows quick assessment of others, it can discourage real listening. We may assume that someone flaunting their veganism or gun rights bumper sticker can be summed up by that single thing. But there are always more complex motives, experiences and dimensions to people when we get curious.
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
Listen To Understand People's Multitudes, Not To Label Them
Ways to listen beyond assumptions and tribes:
- Notice when you mentally slot someone into a category after learning some basic fact about them. Catch and question that assumption.
- Get curious to discover what lies beneath the labels and social signals people project. What are their individual stories, motivations, doubts? -Consider how your own unique backstory has shaped your views and identity. Allow that people with different affiliations/beliefs also have complex underpinnings.
- Remember that you can't know someone's mind from group demographics. Listen to hear their particular thoughts and experiences.
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
Hostage Negotiators Listen For The Feelings, Not Just The Facts
Gary Noesner, a former FBI hostage negotiator, describes the inner emotional world of a hostage-taker as the "doughnut" around the basic facts of the crisis. By listening for this "doughnut" and empathizing with the person's frustrations and grievances, he is able to build rapport and trust. This makes the person more open to his input and de-escalates tensions. In contrast, ignoring the emotional drivers and arguing over demands is likely to backfire and make the situation worse. The same principles apply for lower-stakes conflicts in everyday life.
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
Listen For The Unspoken Feelings And Experiences Behind The Words
To listen for the emotional meaning in a conversation:
- Pay attention to the person's tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language in addition to their words. Notice if their nonverbal cues match what they're saying.
- When someone shares a personal story, consider: Why are they telling me this? What does this experience mean to them? What are they feeling about it?
- Reflect back the underlying emotions you're hearing: "It sounds like that was really frustrating." "I can imagine how scary that must have been." This validates their inner experience.
- If their words and demeanor don't line up, gently check your understanding: "I heard you say X, but you seem upset. What else is going on?"
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
We Think Much Faster Than Anyone Can Talk, Making It Hard To Listen
The average person speaks at a rate of 120-150 words per minute. But we can think at a rate of up to 1,000 words per minute. This gap between speech speed and thought speed, known as the "speech-thought differential", means that our minds are only partially occupied when listening to someone else talk. We use this extra mental capacity to contemplate our own ideas and reactions, often thinking about what we want to say next. This makes it difficult to concentrate on what the other person is expressing and leads to frequent conversational interruptions and disconnections.
Section: 1, Chapter: 6
Intelligence And Introversion Do Not Make You A Better Listener
It's a common misconception that smarter people are better listeners because they can both track the conversation and think their own thoughts. In fact, high-IQ individuals are often worse listeners because they more quickly assume they know what the other person is going to say. They also tend to have minds that generate more distracting thoughts. Similarly, introverts are not necessarily good listeners, despite another popular assumption. They may find it harder to focus on someone else's words over their own inner monologue. Good listening is a skill that requires deliberate practice, not an innate gift.
Section: 1, Chapter: 6
Hearing Opposing Views Activates The Same Brain Areas As A Physical Threat
When researchers put subjects with strong political views in an MRI scanner and exposed them to counterarguments, the brain areas that lit up were the same ones triggered by physical threats like an oncoming bear.
Evolutionarily, we react to intellectual challenges the same way we react to attacks by a predator, with a fight, freeze or flight response. Our heart rate goes up and we get a surge of adrenaline. This makes it very difficult to listen calmly and rationally consider the other view. It takes a deliberate effort to overcome our brain's knee-jerk response and engage thoughtfully with different perspectives.
Section: 1, Chapter: 7
Curiosity And Humility Enable Civil Discourse And Learning
Strategies to listen better to different viewpoints:
- Adopt a mindset of curiosity: What can I learn from this alternate perspective? What are the grains of truth here? How did this person arrive at their position?
- Remember that hearing someone out doesn't mean you agree with them. It just means you're willing to consider their view and reasoning.
- Notice when you start to feel triggered and reactive. Take a breath and refocus on trying to understand, not attack or defend.
- Ask open questions to better grasp their experience and logic: "What leads you to see it that way?" "What most concerns you about the other position?" "What's a real-life example of what you mean?"
- Acknowledge common ground, even if it's small. Emphasize shared hopes and values, not just differences.
Section: 1, Chapter: 7
Listening To Opposing Views Strengthens Your Own Convictions
"While I still hate to readjust my thinking, still hate to give up old ways of perceiving and conceptualizing, yet at some deeper level I have, to a considerable degree, come to realize that these painful reorganizations are what is known as learning." - Carl Rogers, psychologist
Rogers suggests that hearing different viewpoints allows us to test and refine our own beliefs and assumptions. We learn by allowing our existing mental models to be challenged and reshaped, even if it's uncomfortable. Listening is how we evolve our thinking.
Section: 1, Chapter: 7
Strive To Elicit Meaningful Human Stories, Not Just Preference Data
Whether conducting formal research or seeking to understand others in daily life:
- Go beyond surface questions about people's likes and dislikes. Invite them to share specific incidents and experiences: "Tell me about a time when..." "Describe how you felt when..."
- When someone expresses a view, probe for the story behind it: "What leads you to feel that way?" "How did you come to that conclusion?" "What was your personal experience around that?"
- Notice recurring themes and vivid examples. These are often clues to the essence of someone's perspective.
- Consciously put your own preconceptions and desired answers aside so you can receive the person's unfiltered truth. Confirm what you heard without arguing.
Section: 1, Chapter: 8
The Best Teams Balance Speaking And Listening Equally
Google spent years studying what made some of its teams perform better than others. The key factor was "equality in distribution of conversational turn-taking" - in high-performing groups, members spoke in roughly the same proportion. The worst teams had a few people who dominated while others rarely got a word in. Equally important was "average social sensitivity," the ability to intuit how others felt based on nonverbal cues. Good listeners notice and respond to subtle social signals. The best teams, in short, were the best listeners.
Section: 1, Chapter: 9
Humor Arises From Listening To Another's World
Humor relies on listening as much as wit. To land a joke that others will find funny, you need to understand their frame of reference. You have to attune to their personality, knowledge, and sensibilities, not just your own. The funniest people are often the best listeners. Humor also opens us up and primes us for deeper listening. When we laugh with someone, our guards come down. We share vulnerabilities and quirks that build trust and connection. Humor and sensitive listening are entwined and reciprocal.
Section: 1, Chapter: 9
Listen With Curiosity Rather Than An Agenda
To cultivate a more improvisational, constructive listening style:
- Receive what others say with a "yes" stance, even if you disagree. Aim to understand their perspective fully before counterarguing.
- Build on their ideas in a collaborative spirit. Find points of commonality rather than opposition.
- If their statements seem off-base, get curious about their reasoning rather than instantly dismissive.
- Share your own foibles and quirks, not just your polished persona. A little vulnerability begets vulnerability.
- Listen with all your senses. Mirror the other person's posture, expressions, tone, and energy level to better grasp their whole message.
Section: 1, Chapter: 9
Self-Awareness Enables Empathetic Listening
To listen with full sensitivity, you need self-knowledge as well as other-knowledge. The more aware you are of your own mental models, biases, and emotional soft spots, the less they'll interfere with your perceptions of others. Conversely, a lack of self-insight makes you more likely to project your assumptions and issues onto others. That's why psychoanalysts undergo their own therapy, to recognize and stem their distortions. It's also why emotionally intelligent people, who have clearer understandings of their inner landscapes, tend to be the most astute and empathetic listeners.
Section: 1, Chapter: 10
People Have Overlapping Inner Dialogues Competing For Attention
We all have inner voices constantly commenting on our experiences, rehashing the past, and imagining the future. This self-talk shapes our beliefs, expectations, and sensitivities, which in turn color how we perceive and relate to others. The babble in our heads can easily drown out other people's communications if we're not careful. Learning to listen past our noisy minds is key to hearing others clearly.
Developmental psychologists believe self-talk begins as internalized dialogue with early caregivers. Our self-soothing, self-motivation, and self-reflection capacities grow from thousands of micro-conversations where parents help us regulate our impulses and emotions and process our experiences. If they listened to us consistently with empathy and wisdom, we absorb that response style. We learn to be patient, caring allies to ourselves.
Section: 1, Chapter: 11
Good Listeners Ask Questions That Prompt Elaboration
Sociologist Charles Derber distinguishes between "shift responses," which redirect attention to the respondent, and "support responses," which encourage the speaker to say more. Shift responses stop a conversational thread in its tracks, while support responses weave it further. Questions are support responses only if they invite the speaker to keep sharing their perspective, not argue for the listener's position. Good support questions are open-ended, neutral, and curious: "What was significant about that to you?" "How did that affect your thinking on the issue?" "What's a real-life example of what you mean?"
Section: 1, Chapter: 12
A Quaker Technique For Listening Without Fixing
Quakers rely on "clearness committees" to help members wrestle with difficult decisions. But rather than give advice, the committee only asks "honest, open questions" to draw out the person's own wisdom. For example, when Parker Palmer was torn about accepting a college presidency, the committee didn't tell him what to do.
They repeatedly asked him what excited him about the role. In struggling to answer, Palmer realized his ego wanted the status, but his heart wasn't in the work. The simple act of being deeply listened to, without others' agendas clouding the conversation, allowed him to find his truth.
Section: 1, Chapter: 12
The Right Ear Is A Faster Lane To The Brain's Language Center
Due to the brain's cross-wiring, the left hemisphere controls the right side of the body, and vice versa. The left hemisphere is also the main site of language processing. So when someone speaks into your right ear, the signal reaches the brain's language centers faster. In noisy situations like nightclubs, people instinctively turn their right ear toward the sound. They also respond more readily to requests made on the right. But the left ear has an edge in decoding tone of voice. So if you're having trouble reading someone's emotion through their words alone, try shifting the phone to your left.
Section: 1, Chapter: 13
Listening Employs Our Eyes As Well As Our Ears
While listening is primarily auditory, visual cues are integral to comprehension. Lip movements, facial expressions, and body language communicate as much or more than words themselves. Watching a speaker's mouth can boost understanding up to 20%. Their posture and gestures reveal their comfort or agitation, conviction or ambivalence. Even facial color fluctuates with emotion in detectable patterns. That's why phone conversations can feel stripped of context and nuance compared to face-to-face exchanges. Our eyes fill in crucial subtexts when our ears need backup.
Section: 1, Chapter: 13
We'd Rather Mess With Our Phones Than Engage With The Person In Front Of Us
Digital distractions are the new smoking - a compulsive escape from uncomfortable interactions. Phones have become adult pacifiers, promising soothing stimulation on demand. In another era, a lull in conversation might have prompted someone to light a cigarette. Now we light up our screens. But while a joint cigarette break could bond people in shared transgression, retreating into our devices splits us apart.
The cost is steep: a 2018 study found the mere presence of a phone on the table decreased trust, empathy, and relationship quality. We forfeit the deepest rewards of human connection when we keep one eye on our screens.
Section: 1, Chapter: 14
Listeners' Tolerance For Silence Varies By Culture
In Western cultures, lulls lasting more than a few seconds are often seen as awkward or tense. If you graph the typical delays between speakers in English conversation, the curve peaks at gaps of just 200 milliseconds - barely enough time to catch a breath. Longer pauses make us worry we've lost our audience or missed a cue.
But some Eastern cultures embrace a more leisurely pace. In Japan, for example, thoughtful silences are welcome, even expected. People value the unspoken as much as the spoken. A study found that Japanese listeners will let about 8 seconds of silence elapse before feeling compelled to fill the void, compared to 4 seconds for Americans.
Section: 1, Chapter: 15
To Really Listen, Get Comfortable With Silence
If you sense a pause growing, try not to rush in with words to soothe your discomfort. Instead:
- View the silence as sacred rather than scary. It's a sign of comfort, not distance. Give people room to collect their thoughts.
- Notice your physical response to the quiet - quickening pulse, tensed muscles, held breath. Consciously relax and breathe slowly.
- Mentally reassure yourself that all is well. Your companion isn't judging you; they're just pondering. Meet their eyes warmly.
- If the silence stretches on, gently check in: "What are you sitting with?" "I'm here to listen whenever you're ready." Convey patience.
- When they do speak, reflect back what you heard, including any feelings: "It sounds like you're feeling really conflicted." Let them correct you.
Section: 1, Chapter: 15
The Surprising Social Benefits Of Gossip
While gossip is often dismissed as frivolous or even toxic, social scientists recognize its vital functions. Gossip is how we:
- Teach and enforce group norms. Stories of people's admirable or shameful behavior shape our sense of right and wrong.
- Bond and build trust. Sharing insider knowledge signals intimacy and protectiveness. We only divulge sensitive news to close allies.
- Gauge our own standing. Hearing about others' struggles and triumphs helps us evaluate our own status and relationships.
- Relieve stress and feel validated. Venting to a sympathetic ear eases our burdens and helps us feel less alone in our troubles. Far from a vice, gossip serves a prosocial purpose when it stays grounded in concern and compassion rather than envy or malice.
Section: 1, Chapter: 16
Listeners And Gossipers Co-Create The Rules Of Social Life
Think of gossip as the original mass medium. Long before newspapers and TV, it's how people spread information and ideas beyond their immediate circles. And like all media, it operates on a "pay to play" model. The most eager listeners gain access to the juiciest morsels. The best talkers attract the most attentive audiences. Gossip's grapevine turns private affairs into public knowledge and public events into private passions. As we whisper, eavesdrop, and pass along tales, we collectively decide what deserves discussion and judgment and what merits discretion and tact. Bit by bit, the currency of gossip establishes our social and moral economies.
Section: 1, Chapter: 16
Speakers And Listeners Have Unspoken Conversational Contracts
We all enter conversations with basic expectations, whether we realize it or not. Drawing on the philosopher Paul Grice's work, the author outlines our key assumptions:
- The Maxim of Quality: We expect the truth. Lies and exaggerations break the contract.
- The Maxim of Quantity: We expect just enough information, not too little or too much. Meandering or withholding violates the deal.
- The Maxim of Relation: We expect relevance and coherence. Randomness and non-sequiturs make us tune out.
- The Maxim of Manner: We expect clarity, brevity and orderliness. Vagueness, rambling and jumping around try our patience. When speakers "breach the contract," listeners rightly pull away.
Section: 1, Chapter: 17
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