The desire to feel important is the deepest principle in human nature. "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Give others the same courtesy and appreciation you would want to receive.
Talk to people about themselves and recognize their importance. Praise their achievements and give them a reputation to live up to. Compliment people on the things you know they value most in themselves. Make them feel important through your words and actions. But always do it sincerely. Flattery only works if it is genuine.
Section: 2, Chapter: 6
Your smile is a messenger of your goodwill. Here are some key points about smiling:
- Smile even when on the phone. It comes through in your voice.
- If you don't feel like smiling, force yourself to smile. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.
- Your smile is a subtle way of saying "I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you."
- Most people smile fewer than 20 times per day. Increase that to over 50.
- Make a conscious effort to put a smile on your face in every interaction.
Section: 2, Chapter: 2
It isn't nearly as difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
Admitting one's own mistakes - even when one hasn't corrected them - can help convince somebody to change their behavior. For example, one father was trying to get his young son to stop smoking and said: "I know how difficult it is to quit. I started smoking at your age and it took me years to finally quit. hope you can learn from my mistakes and not put yourself through that."
By admitting his own faults, the father made it easier for the son to take his advice.
Section: 4, Chapter: 3
To effectively persuade and influence others:
- Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. That only breeds resentment.
- Give honest and sincere appreciation.
- Arouse in the other person an eager want by talking in terms of their wants and needs, not yours.
- Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. "If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Carnegie argues that criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. It is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts their sense of importance, and arouses resentment. Even if you are right, you only make the other person want to strike back rather than change their mind.
Instead of condemning people, try to understand them. Try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
In summary, the six ways to make people like you are:
- Become genuinely interested in other people.
- Smile.
- Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
- Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
- Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely
Section: 2, Chapter: 1
To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Listen intently and give your undivided attention.
Never interrupt. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. If you want to influence or impress someone, get them talking about something they are passionate about and listen with sincere interest. Carnegie quotes Sigmund Freud who said, "This is the only way to get the best of an argument – avoid it. Agree with them." Don't argue or try to speak. Just listen and they will like you more.
Section: 2, Chapter: 4
Saying "I'm wrong" not only establishes your honesty but often helps solve the problem created by the error. When we defend our position and fight for our stance, it breeds resentment in the other person who feels attacked.
By contrast, admitting our mistakes and taking responsibility for them often causes the other person to respond with sympathy and generosity. Don't defend a mistake; take ownership of it swiftly and earnestly, and the other person will likely minimize it and take your side.
Section: 2, Chapter: 3
A manager at a department store in New York had to deal with a young salesperson who was causing customer complaints due to poor service. Instead of criticizing her directly, he called her into his office and had a conversation:
"Mary, I understand you had trouble with a customer yesterday... [Explains the situation] I'm on your side and I know you were trying your best to handle a difficult customer. However, in future situations like this, it may help to... [Provides suggestions] That way we can ensure the customer leaves satisfied and you have a positive interaction. What do you think?"
By empathizing with Mary and framing his critique as a suggestion rather than a condemnation, the manager was able to correct the behavior without Mary getting defensive. She left feeling supported rather than attacked.
Section: 4, Chapter: 2
"It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring."
Section: 2, Chapter: 1
The name sets the individual apart and makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual.
People love their names so much that they will often donate large amounts of money just to have a building named after themselves. Jim Farley, one of the master politicians of all time, recalled that it was his ability to recall over 50,000 people's first names that transformed him from a small town businessman to a national political figure.
Section: 2, Chapter: 3
Edward L. Chalif went to see a major prospect to seek funding for sending a Boy Scout to Europe. Instead of just asking for money, he first took an interest in what he knew the prospect enjoyed - rare stamps.
After discussing stamps for a while, the prospect was in a positive mood. Then Chalif brought up the purpose of his visit and the prospect enthusiastically agreed, giving him much more than he originally intended to ask for.
By talking about what interested the prospect first, Chalif got him in a favorable frame of mind to support his cause.
Section: 2, Chapter: 5
When you need to correct or criticize someone, start by giving them sincere praise and appreciation for their good points. This makes them more receptive to your critique. It's like the old saying "a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down". For example:
- "We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. However, if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better."
- "I heard you had trouble with your car yesterday and appreciate you still making it to the sales meeting on time. I did notice that some of your reports were incomplete..." By starting with praise, you get the other person to let their guard down and avoid getting defensive or resentful.
Section: 4, Chapter: 1
The key to making people like you is to show genuine interest in them. Greet people with animation and enthusiasm. Say hello to people you pass. Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering.
Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
Section: 2, Chapter: 1
People will respond more positively when you make any request or suggestion seem to align with their own nobler motives. J.P. Morgan observed that a person usually has two reasons for doing something - one that sounds good and a real one.
Appeal to the one that sounds good to get them interested. For example, Rockefeller got a stubborn partner to continue a business relationship, not by emphasizing profits, but by praising his work uplifting humanity. Always help the other person feel that your suggested course of action serves the greater good and you will get more enthusiastic cooperation.
Section: 3, Chapter: 10
When it is necessary to point out someone's mistake, do the following:
- Start with praise and honest appreciation. It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
- Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
- Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. This allows the other person to save face and feel that they are reaching the conclusion themselves.
- Praise every improvement, no matter how slight. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise." Let the other person know you have faith in them.
Section: 3, Chapter: 2
Whenever we argue with someone, no matter if we win or lose the argument, we still lose. The other person will either feel humiliated or strengthened in their own position, and will only resent us for making them feel that way.
Even if you manage to shoot holes in their argument, you don't win, you make the other person feel inferior, you rouse resentment and make them determined to justify themselves. Prefer to avoid arguments altogether or use diplomatic language if you do get into one. Look for areas of agreement and allow others to save face.
Section: 3, Chapter: 1
If you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said "Assume a virtue, if you have it not."
- If a child is shy and withdrawn, comment on how they are really coming out of their shell lately.
- If an employee is struggling with punctuality, comment on how you appreciate how reliable and conscientious they usually are about their schedule.
By "giving them a reputation to live up to", you subconsciously influence them with a strong motivation to prove your high perception of them is correct. Most people will work tirelessly to avoid disappointing you or tarnishing the fine reputation you have ascribed to them.
Section: 4, Chapter: 7
After the Union victory at Gettysburg, Lincoln was furious that General Meade did not pursue the decimated Confederate army and potentially end the Civil War. He wrote a scathing letter reprimanding Meade. But once written, he tucked it away and never sent it, realizing that it would relieve his feelings but make Meade try to justify himself and potentially lose his effectiveness as a commander. It was a lesson in the futility of criticism that Lincoln never forgot.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
General Electric was faced with the problem of removing Charles Steinmetz from his position as head of a department due to performance issues.
However, he was a genius at electricity and indispensible to the company so they couldn't afford to offend or lose him. Instead of firing him, they created a new title that sounded important - "Consulting Engineer of General Electric Company" - and gave that to Steinmetz while bringing in someone else as department head.
Steinmetz was pleased rather than insulted because they had let him save face.
Section: 3, Chapter: 5
During a meeting Juan, a project manager, asked his team for feedback on a challenging stage of their work. One employee, Emily, began expressing concerns about the approach. As she spoke, Juan noticed the other team members placing both hands on their knees in a "knee clasp."
This posture, often seen in interviews and sales calls, shows an intent to end the conversation and leave. Recognizing his team's restlessness, Juan wrapped up the meeting quickly, promising to consider Emily's issues later. By reading this subtle "intention cue," he prevented the discussion from extending too long and losing his team's attention. The knee clasp avoided an awkwardly long meeting.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
"Observation is a skill that must be developed, honed and practiced - constantly. We don't come into this world as natural observers... But with training and practice, our observation of the world can become so powerful that we are able to see and sense things, not only about others but about ourselves, that untrained individuals will never recognize in a million years."
Section: 1, Chapter: 9
When talking with others, pay attention to their arm positions. Arms that hang loose at the sides show openness and comfort, while crossed or tense arms signal defensiveness. To encourage a positive interaction:
- Keep your own arms relaxed and visible, not crossed
- Angle your torso towards the other person with arms slightly away from your body
- Use open-palm gestures when speaking
- If sitting, rest your arms on the armrests or table, not your lap
This "open arm" posture demonstrates friendliness, confidence, and sincerity. It reassures others you have nothing to hide. Closed-off arm positions, in contrast, convey insecurity or secrecy. Use the "open arm test" to gauge the other person's comfort level - and your own.
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
Steepling - touching the tips of spread fingers together like a church steeple - is one of the most powerful high-confidence tells. People will often steeple after making an important point or when feeling self-assured. The height of the hands indicates the degree of confidence:
- Steepling over the head shows supreme confidence bordering on arrogance
- Steepling at chest level indicates a strong sense of self-assurance and authority
- Steepling at waist level, more common for women, demonstrates quiet self-esteem
- Watch for changes in steepling behavior to gauge a person's fluctuating confidence levels.
Section: 1, Chapter: 6
Unlike popular TV shows, detecting deception based on body language is extremely difficult in real life. Research shows even experienced professionals like police officers, judges and CIA agents are only slightly better than chance at identifying lies. Why?
- There is no single "lying tell" - liars exhibit a wide range of behaviors
- Nervousness and stress can cause the same nonverbals in truth-tellers
- Skilled liars know how to suppress or disguise indicators of deceit
- Most people overestimate their lie detection abilities and jump to faulty conclusions
- Rather than looking for one "gotcha" cue, deception experts suggest assessing clusters of verbal and nonverbal patterns over time. Even then, the most accurate techniques are only 65-90% effective.
Section: 1, Chapter: 8
To detect meaningful changes in a person's body language, first establish their normal behavioral patterns - their baseline. Observe how they typically use their hands, hold their body, react to stress, etc. Then watch for deviations from this baseline as your interaction unfolds.
For instance, if someone is generally still but suddenly starts fidgeting and tapping their foot after you ask them a question, this abrupt change indicates the topic makes them uncomfortable and bears further exploration. Without having gauged their usual mannerisms, you may miss or misinterpret such telling behavioral shifts. Strive to identify a person's baseline behaviors early in your encounters.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
Like the legs, the torso is controlled more by the limbic brain than the thinking brain, making it an honest source of nonverbal cues. The torso houses vital organs, so the limbic brain instinctively shields it in threatening situations by:
- Leaning away from perceived threats
- Crossing the arms to block access to the body
- Hunching the shoulders to protect the neck
- Splaying the arms to appear larger and more dominant
These automatic responses telegraph a person's discomfort, defensiveness, or disdain, even as their words say otherwise. The limbic brain's priority to protect the torso will override less honest facial expressions and verbal statements. The torso's tells are some of the most reliable.
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
In moments of tension or disagreement, people will often splay their legs wide apart and firmly plant their feet to establish a dominant, authoritative stance. This "territorial display" communicates they feel challenged and intend to stand their ground.
When arguing with someone, look for this aggressive leg posture. You may need to back off or change your approach to avoid escalating the conflict. In any case, recognize the splay reveals the depth of the person's anger and conviction.
Use this tell to gauge their emotions accurately. If you're the one guilty of leg splaying, be aware it may alienate people. Adopt a more neutral posture to keep tensions from rising.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
To master nonverbal communication, you must observe the entire body as an interconnected system. While certain tells are more reliable than others (feet over face), every part contributes to the overall message. Your goal is synthesizing these signals into a cohesive assessment by:
- Establishing a baseline: What is this person's "normal"?
- Looking for changes: When and why do they deviate from baseline?
- Considering the context: What situational factors are influencing them?
- Filtering for noise: Are their behaviors consistent or contradictory?
- Staying objective: What story does the data tell, without assumptions?
Section: 1, Chapter: 9
When judging someone's truthfulness, look for changes in their comfort level rather than specific "deception tells." Your goal is to determine their psychological state - relaxed or stressed, confident or doubtful, open or closed-off. Changes in comfort often indicate a shift in truthfulness, such as:
- Sudden tension when asked a sensitive question (squirming, avoiding eye contact)
- Qualifying statements or distancing language ("to be honest," "as far as I know")
- Lack of detail or unwillingness to commit ("it's possible," "I'm not sure but")
- Fidgeting, picking lint, playing with hair or jewelry
- Freezing in place or sharply limiting movements
- Grooming behaviors like adjusting clothes or smoothing hair
- The key is establishing their comfort baseline, then watching for deviations as the interaction unfolds
Section: 1, Chapter: 8
During a boardroom negotiation, two executives, Jack and Ava, debate a contentious point in the contract. As Ava defends her position, Jack slowly moves his arms from his sides onto the armrests, then inches them outward until his elbows jut into Ava's space.
Jack's "territorial display" attempts to intimidate Ava and assert dominance over the discussion. If Ava mirrors his pose, it could escalate the argument. Instead, she keeps her arms in a neutral position while calmly reiterating her points. Noting Jack's aggressive stance, the room reads his behavior as overbearing and sides with Ava in the end. Jack's arm posturing backfired.
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
People typically pacify after being asked a troubling question or hearing information they dislike. Pacifying behaviors often indicate a person feels threatened because:
- They are lying and fear getting caught
- They have done something wrong and feel guilty
- The topic elicits unpleasant thoughts or memories
While normal nervousness also prompts pacification, if you see sudden pacifying directly after someone answers a question, you need to dig deeper. But use caution - while pacification suggests uneasiness, it doesn't automatically mean dishonesty.
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
When feeling upbeat and excited, people exhibit "gravity-defying" nonverbals - body language that has a bouncy, rising quality. Positive emotional states cause us to defy gravity by:
- Walking with a spring in our step
- Gesturing upwards as we speak
- Rising up on the balls of our feet
- Sitting forward in our seat
- Raising our eyebrows
Gravity-defying cues signal happiness and confidence. When you see them suddenly appear in a person's demeanor, especially after something you said or did, you can feel assured your actions pleased them. The notable absence of these behaviors reveals low mood or self-esteem.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Rather than becoming a walking polygraph, focus on creating an environment conducive to honest communication. When people feel at ease, they're more likely to open up and reveal critical information - even if it's unflattering or incriminating. To encourage truthfulness:
- Make the person feel heard and respected
- Ask open-ended questions that invite explanation
- Avoid accusations or interrogation tactics that put them on the defensive
- Mirror their positive body language to build "liking"
- Paraphrase their statements to show you're listening
Give them space to clarify or correct your understanding The more comfortable a person feels with you, the less they'll feel the need to deceive or omit. Building rapport is the surest way to reach the truth, even if it takes time.
Section: 1, Chapter: 8
If a person's torso and feet orient away from you while talking, they likely feel disinterested or want to leave the conversation. Even if their face remains friendly, this "torso shielding" indicates psychological disengagement. Other distancing cues include:
- Crossing arms tightly
- Holding objects in front of chest
- Twisting torso to angle body away
- Placing barriers like a purse or pillow on lap
When you notice someone progressively shutting you out with their body language, gracefully end the interaction before they tune out completely. And if you catch yourself torso shielding, consider what's causing your discomfort and how you can reengage.
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
When people feel confident or aggressive, they make their upper body appear larger to maximize the appearance of strength and dominance. Look for:
- Chest puffed outwards
- Shoulders squared
- Head tilted back
- Hands on hips or hooked in belt loops
- Expansive, sprawling posture
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
Our hands reflect our inner state by automatically moving in sync with our thoughts and feelings. When words and gestures align, it shows congruence and authenticity. But when the hands contradict the message, it signals dissonance and possible dishonesty.
If someone makes a bold claim like "I'm certain about this" while wringing their hands or fidgeting, their words and body language don't match. This hand-mind disparity reveals doubt, no matter how much bravado they project verbally. Before accepting such statements at face value, probe further to uncover the source of their inconsistency. If your own hands undercut your point, acknowledge the disconnect to restore credibility.
Section: 1, Chapter: 6
To accurately interpret nonverbal cues, always consider the context in which they occur. The same behavior can mean different things in different situations. For example:
- Crossed arms might indicate discomfort and defensiveness during a tense negotiation, but may simply show a relaxed posture while casually conversing with a friend.
- Lip compression can reveal stress or disapproval when discussing an unpleasant topic, but might just result from concentration while solving a challenging problem. Evaluating cues in light of the circumstances and looking for sudden changes in behavior will enable you to decipher their true meaning. Don't jump to conclusions based on a single tell.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
The human face is exceptionally expressive, capable of conveying countless emotions through slight muscle movements. Key indicators include:
- Pupil dilation: Pupils widen when we see something exciting or attractive
- Lip compression: Pressing the lips together tightly signals anger, frustration or disapproval
- Nasal wing dilation: Flaring nostrils indicate arousal, irritation or intense concentration
- Furrowed forehead: Lowered and pinched brows show confusion, worry or distress
- Smiles: Genuine smiles crinkle the eyes, while fake smiles only move the mouth
Section: 1, Chapter: 7
The feet and legs are the most honest part of the body because they react instantly and subconsciously to situations. Since the legs have been critical to human survival by enabling us to run from predators, the limbic brain carefully controls their actions. When people feel uncomfortable, their feet will point away, withdraw, or kick. When they are comfortable, their legs will mirror the other person's posture or point towards them. Paying attention to changes in foot and leg behavior provides key insights into a person's state of mind.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
"Our brain focuses so much attention on the hands and fingers that no other species has appendages with such a remarkable range of capabilities. That is why the hands may be our most powerful tools for understanding the thoughts and feelings of others. They serve as the most reliable nonverbal cues to deciphering what the brain is processing, feeling, or intending."
Section: 1, Chapter: 6
We all know a bright smile and twinkling eyes indicate happiness. But what do negative facial cues look like? Watch for:
- Tightened jaw muscles: A clenched jaw signals stress, anger or disapproval. Often the lips will also compress or purse.
- Eyebrow furrowing: When the brows lower and draw together, it shows concern, confusion or concentration. The more intense the furrowing, the stronger the emotion.
- Squinting: Narrowed eyes indicate suspicion, doubt or dislike. We instinctively squint at things that bother us.
- If you observe these facial tells repeatedly in an interaction, explore what's causing the person's distress. Don't ignore the warning signs etched in their features.
Section: 1, Chapter: 7
An important insight about Radical Candor is that it is measured at the listener's ear, not the speaker's mouth. What feels like Radical Candor to one person may feel aggressive or insensitive to another. You have to tailor your approach to the individual and also to their cultural context.
- For an Israeli team she worked with, the author found that very blunt, almost confrontational feedback was accepted as Radical Candor. But that same style was offensive to a team in Tokyo, so she had to adjust to a style of "polite persistence" to challenge them while still showing respect.
- The takeaway is you can't just memorize some
Radically Candid phrases to use. You have to build a relationship and understand what works for each individual to challenge them while also showing you care.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
Radical Candor involves both "caring personally" and "challenging directly." Caring personally means giving a damn about people, not just professionally but personally. Challenging directly means being willing to say what you really think, even if it's uncomfortable. By combining these two dimensions, you create Radical Candor - the ability to give guidance and feedback in a way that challenges people directly while also showing you care.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
Sociologist Charles Derber distinguishes between "shift responses," which redirect attention to the respondent, and "support responses," which encourage the speaker to say more. Shift responses stop a conversational thread in its tracks, while support responses weave it further. Questions are support responses only if they invite the speaker to keep sharing their perspective, not argue for the listener's position. Good support questions are open-ended, neutral, and curious: "What was significant about that to you?" "How did that affect your thinking on the issue?" "What's a real-life example of what you mean?"
Section: 1, Chapter: 12
Ways to listen beyond assumptions and tribes:
- Notice when you mentally slot someone into a category after learning some basic fact about them. Catch and question that assumption.
- Get curious to discover what lies beneath the labels and social signals people project. What are their individual stories, motivations, doubts? -Consider how your own unique backstory has shaped your views and identity. Allow that people with different affiliations/beliefs also have complex underpinnings.
- Remember that you can't know someone's mind from group demographics. Listen to hear their particular thoughts and experiences.
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
Digital distractions are the new smoking - a compulsive escape from uncomfortable interactions. Phones have become adult pacifiers, promising soothing stimulation on demand. In another era, a lull in conversation might have prompted someone to light a cigarette. Now we light up our screens. But while a joint cigarette break could bond people in shared transgression, retreating into our devices splits us apart.
The cost is steep: a 2018 study found the mere presence of a phone on the table decreased trust, empathy, and relationship quality. We forfeit the deepest rewards of human connection when we keep one eye on our screens.
Section: 1, Chapter: 14
In a study, commuters on Chicago trains were assigned to either talk to a stranger, sit in solitude, or do whatever they normally do. While subjects expected to be least happy talking to strangers, the opposite was true - those who engaged with strangers were most satisfied with their commute. The study suggests that people welcome the opportunity to talk about themselves and have someone take an interest in their lives, even if it's a stranger. But social norms discourage us from these interactions.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Some ways to start being a better listener:
- When someone is talking to you, give them your full attention. Don't look at your phone or let your mind wander.
- Ask open-ended questions to draw the person out and show interest in what they're saying. Don't just wait for your turn to talk.
- Reflect back what you heard the person say, to ensure you understood them correctly.
- Notice the person's body language and tone in addition to their words. There is often meaning beneath the surface.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
There's an assumption that we know our romantic partners, family members and close friends very well. But research shows that closeness leads us to overestimate our insight into loved ones' inner lives. Because we feel so familiar with them, we stop really listening. We think we already know what they'll say or how they'll react. Psychologist Judith Coche sees this often with the distressed couples she counsels, who have stopped genuinely attending to one another. The lesson is that understanding loved ones is an ongoing process that requires continual curious listening, not a one-time achievement.
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
To listen for the emotional meaning in a conversation:
- Pay attention to the person's tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language in addition to their words. Notice if their nonverbal cues match what they're saying.
- When someone shares a personal story, consider: Why are they telling me this? What does this experience mean to them? What are they feeling about it?
- Reflect back the underlying emotions you're hearing: "It sounds like that was really frustrating." "I can imagine how scary that must have been." This validates their inner experience.
- If their words and demeanor don't line up, gently check your understanding: "I heard you say X, but you seem upset. What else is going on?"
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
To listen with full sensitivity, you need self-knowledge as well as other-knowledge. The more aware you are of your own mental models, biases, and emotional soft spots, the less they'll interfere with your perceptions of others. Conversely, a lack of self-insight makes you more likely to project your assumptions and issues onto others. That's why psychoanalysts undergo their own therapy, to recognize and stem their distortions. It's also why emotionally intelligent people, who have clearer understandings of their inner landscapes, tend to be the most astute and empathetic listeners.
Section: 1, Chapter: 10
If you sense a pause growing, try not to rush in with words to soothe your discomfort. Instead:
- View the silence as sacred rather than scary. It's a sign of comfort, not distance. Give people room to collect their thoughts.
- Notice your physical response to the quiet - quickening pulse, tensed muscles, held breath. Consciously relax and breathe slowly.
- Mentally reassure yourself that all is well. Your companion isn't judging you; they're just pondering. Meet their eyes warmly.
- If the silence stretches on, gently check in: "What are you sitting with?" "I'm here to listen whenever you're ready." Convey patience.
- When they do speak, reflect back what you heard, including any feelings: "It sounds like you're feeling really conflicted." Let them correct you.
Section: 1, Chapter: 15
Whether conducting formal research or seeking to understand others in daily life:
- Go beyond surface questions about people's likes and dislikes. Invite them to share specific incidents and experiences: "Tell me about a time when..." "Describe how you felt when..."
- When someone expresses a view, probe for the story behind it: "What leads you to feel that way?" "How did you come to that conclusion?" "What was your personal experience around that?"
- Notice recurring themes and vivid examples. These are often clues to the essence of someone's perspective.
- Consciously put your own preconceptions and desired answers aside so you can receive the person's unfiltered truth. Confirm what you heard without arguing.
Section: 1, Chapter: 8
Tips to listen with more curiosity:
- Approach conversations with an attitude of openness and discovery. Assume the other person has something novel and interesting to share.
- Ask questions that allow the speaker to share new information, not ones that confirm what you already know or think. Avoid leading questions.
- When someone shares something, dig deeper to understand their values, motivations and feelings - not just the surface facts. Ask them to elaborate.
- Notice when your mind starts to wander or judge. Bring your focus back to the speaker with fresh curiosity.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
We all have inner voices constantly commenting on our experiences, rehashing the past, and imagining the future. This self-talk shapes our beliefs, expectations, and sensitivities, which in turn color how we perceive and relate to others. The babble in our heads can easily drown out other people's communications if we're not careful. Learning to listen past our noisy minds is key to hearing others clearly.
Developmental psychologists believe self-talk begins as internalized dialogue with early caregivers. Our self-soothing, self-motivation, and self-reflection capacities grow from thousands of micro-conversations where parents help us regulate our impulses and emotions and process our experiences. If they listened to us consistently with empathy and wisdom, we absorb that response style. We learn to be patient, caring allies to ourselves.
Section: 1, Chapter: 11
While listening is primarily auditory, visual cues are integral to comprehension. Lip movements, facial expressions, and body language communicate as much or more than words themselves. Watching a speaker's mouth can boost understanding up to 20%. Their posture and gestures reveal their comfort or agitation, conviction or ambivalence. Even facial color fluctuates with emotion in detectable patterns. That's why phone conversations can feel stripped of context and nuance compared to face-to-face exchanges. Our eyes fill in crucial subtexts when our ears need backup.
Section: 1, Chapter: 13
To cultivate a more improvisational, constructive listening style:
- Receive what others say with a "yes" stance, even if you disagree. Aim to understand their perspective fully before counterarguing.
- Build on their ideas in a collaborative spirit. Find points of commonality rather than opposition.
- If their statements seem off-base, get curious about their reasoning rather than instantly dismissive.
- Share your own foibles and quirks, not just your polished persona. A little vulnerability begets vulnerability.
- Listen with all your senses. Mirror the other person's posture, expressions, tone, and energy level to better grasp their whole message.
Section: 1, Chapter: 9
Humor relies on listening as much as wit. To land a joke that others will find funny, you need to understand their frame of reference. You have to attune to their personality, knowledge, and sensibilities, not just your own. The funniest people are often the best listeners. Humor also opens us up and primes us for deeper listening. When we laugh with someone, our guards come down. We share vulnerabilities and quirks that build trust and connection. Humor and sensitive listening are entwined and reciprocal.
Section: 1, Chapter: 9
The author argues that a key reason for the current epidemic of loneliness, isolation and alienation is that people have lost the ability to truly listen to one another. While we may talk to more people than ever before via social media and messaging, few people feel they have anyone who really listens to them in a deep way. This has led to widespread feelings of disconnection.
"Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak." - Epictetus
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
It's a common misconception that smarter people are better listeners because they can both track the conversation and think their own thoughts. In fact, high-IQ individuals are often worse listeners because they more quickly assume they know what the other person is going to say. They also tend to have minds that generate more distracting thoughts. Similarly, introverts are not necessarily good listeners, despite another popular assumption. They may find it harder to focus on someone else's words over their own inner monologue. Good listening is a skill that requires deliberate practice, not an innate gift.
Section: 1, Chapter: 6
Gary Noesner, a former FBI hostage negotiator, describes the inner emotional world of a hostage-taker as the "doughnut" around the basic facts of the crisis. By listening for this "doughnut" and empathizing with the person's frustrations and grievances, he is able to build rapport and trust. This makes the person more open to his input and de-escalates tensions. In contrast, ignoring the emotional drivers and arguing over demands is likely to backfire and make the situation worse. The same principles apply for lower-stakes conflicts in everyday life.
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
Think of gossip as the original mass medium. Long before newspapers and TV, it's how people spread information and ideas beyond their immediate circles. And like all media, it operates on a "pay to play" model. The most eager listeners gain access to the juiciest morsels. The best talkers attract the most attentive audiences. Gossip's grapevine turns private affairs into public knowledge and public events into private passions. As we whisper, eavesdrop, and pass along tales, we collectively decide what deserves discussion and judgment and what merits discretion and tact. Bit by bit, the currency of gossip establishes our social and moral economies.
Section: 1, Chapter: 16
Google spent years studying what made some of its teams perform better than others. The key factor was "equality in distribution of conversational turn-taking" - in high-performing groups, members spoke in roughly the same proportion. The worst teams had a few people who dominated while others rarely got a word in. Equally important was "average social sensitivity," the ability to intuit how others felt based on nonverbal cues. Good listeners notice and respond to subtle social signals. The best teams, in short, were the best listeners.
Section: 1, Chapter: 9
The average person speaks at a rate of 120-150 words per minute. But we can think at a rate of up to 1,000 words per minute. This gap between speech speed and thought speed, known as the "speech-thought differential", means that our minds are only partially occupied when listening to someone else talk. We use this extra mental capacity to contemplate our own ideas and reactions, often thinking about what we want to say next. This makes it difficult to concentrate on what the other person is expressing and leads to frequent conversational interruptions and disconnections.
Section: 1, Chapter: 6
In Western cultures, lulls lasting more than a few seconds are often seen as awkward or tense. If you graph the typical delays between speakers in English conversation, the curve peaks at gaps of just 200 milliseconds - barely enough time to catch a breath. Longer pauses make us worry we've lost our audience or missed a cue.
But some Eastern cultures embrace a more leisurely pace. In Japan, for example, thoughtful silences are welcome, even expected. People value the unspoken as much as the spoken. A study found that Japanese listeners will let about 8 seconds of silence elapse before feeling compelled to fill the void, compared to 4 seconds for Americans.
Section: 1, Chapter: 15
"While I still hate to readjust my thinking, still hate to give up old ways of perceiving and conceptualizing, yet at some deeper level I have, to a considerable degree, come to realize that these painful reorganizations are what is known as learning." - Carl Rogers, psychologist
Rogers suggests that hearing different viewpoints allows us to test and refine our own beliefs and assumptions. We learn by allowing our existing mental models to be challenged and reshaped, even if it's uncomfortable. Listening is how we evolve our thinking.
Section: 1, Chapter: 7
Before social media, overt signaling of one's identity, values and group affiliations was most common among teenagers - think goths, jocks, stoners, etc. But in today's fractured world, more adults engage in such social signaling, online and off. People advertise their diets, political leanings, and cultural tastes. While this allows quick assessment of others, it can discourage real listening. We may assume that someone flaunting their veganism or gun rights bumper sticker can be summed up by that single thing. But there are always more complex motives, experiences and dimensions to people when we get curious.
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
Strategies to listen better to different viewpoints:
- Adopt a mindset of curiosity: What can I learn from this alternate perspective? What are the grains of truth here? How did this person arrive at their position?
- Remember that hearing someone out doesn't mean you agree with them. It just means you're willing to consider their view and reasoning.
- Notice when you start to feel triggered and reactive. Take a breath and refocus on trying to understand, not attack or defend.
- Ask open questions to better grasp their experience and logic: "What leads you to see it that way?" "What most concerns you about the other position?" "What's a real-life example of what you mean?"
- Acknowledge common ground, even if it's small. Emphasize shared hopes and values, not just differences.
Section: 1, Chapter: 7
We all enter conversations with basic expectations, whether we realize it or not. Drawing on the philosopher Paul Grice's work, the author outlines our key assumptions:
- The Maxim of Quality: We expect the truth. Lies and exaggerations break the contract.
- The Maxim of Quantity: We expect just enough information, not too little or too much. Meandering or withholding violates the deal.
- The Maxim of Relation: We expect relevance and coherence. Randomness and non-sequiturs make us tune out.
- The Maxim of Manner: We expect clarity, brevity and orderliness. Vagueness, rambling and jumping around try our patience. When speakers "breach the contract," listeners rightly pull away.
Section: 1, Chapter: 17
Quakers rely on "clearness committees" to help members wrestle with difficult decisions. But rather than give advice, the committee only asks "honest, open questions" to draw out the person's own wisdom. For example, when Parker Palmer was torn about accepting a college presidency, the committee didn't tell him what to do.
They repeatedly asked him what excited him about the role. In struggling to answer, Palmer realized his ego wanted the status, but his heart wasn't in the work. The simple act of being deeply listened to, without others' agendas clouding the conversation, allowed him to find his truth.
Section: 1, Chapter: 12
"To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person's narrative."
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
When researchers put subjects with strong political views in an MRI scanner and exposed them to counterarguments, the brain areas that lit up were the same ones triggered by physical threats like an oncoming bear.
Evolutionarily, we react to intellectual challenges the same way we react to attacks by a predator, with a fight, freeze or flight response. Our heart rate goes up and we get a surge of adrenaline. This makes it very difficult to listen calmly and rationally consider the other view. It takes a deliberate effort to overcome our brain's knee-jerk response and engage thoughtfully with different perspectives.
Section: 1, Chapter: 7
While we are born curious, life experiences can diminish our innate inquisitiveness about others. Great listeners maintain a childlike curiosity and fascination with other people's thoughts, feelings and experiences, even those very different from their own. They are eager to learn something new from every interaction. Examples include Studs Terkel, who interviewed people from all walks of life for his book Working, and IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad, who made a habit of querying both customers and employees to better understand their needs and perspectives.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Due to the brain's cross-wiring, the left hemisphere controls the right side of the body, and vice versa. The left hemisphere is also the main site of language processing. So when someone speaks into your right ear, the signal reaches the brain's language centers faster. In noisy situations like nightclubs, people instinctively turn their right ear toward the sound. They also respond more readily to requests made on the right. But the left ear has an edge in decoding tone of voice. So if you're having trouble reading someone's emotion through their words alone, try shifting the phone to your left.
Section: 1, Chapter: 13
Neuroscientist Uri Hasson conducted a study where he had subjects listen to someone telling a story while undergoing fMRI scans. He found that the greater the overlap between the speaker's brain activity and the listener's brain activity, the better the communication and understanding between them. Good listeners' brain waves literally sync up with the speaker, leading to greater connection.
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
While gossip is often dismissed as frivolous or even toxic, social scientists recognize its vital functions. Gossip is how we:
- Teach and enforce group norms. Stories of people's admirable or shameful behavior shape our sense of right and wrong.
- Bond and build trust. Sharing insider knowledge signals intimacy and protectiveness. We only divulge sensitive news to close allies.
- Gauge our own standing. Hearing about others' struggles and triumphs helps us evaluate our own status and relationships.
- Relieve stress and feel validated. Venting to a sympathetic ear eases our burdens and helps us feel less alone in our troubles. Far from a vice, gossip serves a prosocial purpose when it stays grounded in concern and compassion rather than envy or malice.
Section: 1, Chapter: 16
We often form our mental image of what liars look like from TV shows and movies, where actors use exaggerated expressions and "shiftiness" to convey deceit to the audience. However, this bears little resemblance to real-life liars, who may appear calm, collected, and sincere. In fact, studies show that we're often more likely to judge anxious, jittery mannerisms as signs of lying, even if the person is telling the truth.
To avoid falling for the transparency illusion:
- Don't rely solely on demeanor when judging honesty
- Be aware that cultural differences can skew our perceptions
- Look for hard evidence rather than "gut feel" about truthfulness
- When in doubt, suspend judgment rather than jumping to conclusions
By letting go of the flawed assumption that we can read minds through behavior alone, we can make more accurate assessments.
Section: 3, Chapter: 6
"Coupling teaches us the opposite. Don't look at the stranger and jump to conclusions. Look at the stranger's world."
Section: 5, Chapter: 10
"The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need and get them feeling safe enough to talk about what they want. The latter will help you discover the former. Wants are easy to talk about, representing the aspiration of getting your way, and sustaining any illusion of control we have as we begin to negotiate; needs imply survival, the very minimum required to make us act, and so make us vulnerable."
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
Voss' son Brandon was a high school football player who tackled blockers head on, even when coached not to. Voss explained to him why this was bad, and Brandon would say "You're right" but then go right back to the bad behavior. "You're right" was not real agreement, just a way to end the conversation.
So Voss tried another approach - he summarized and labeled Brandon's worldview, saying "You seem to think it's unmanly to dodge a block." Brandon thought about it and said "That's right." This was a breakthrough - Brandon now saw the real reason for his behavior and was able to change it. "You're right" is often counterfeit, while "that's right" is a sign of true agreement and openness.
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
When it comes to negotiation, the 7-38-55 Percent Rule states that:
- 7 percent of a message is based on the words while,
- 38 percent comes from the tone of voice and,
- 55 percent from the speaker's body language and face.
This means that most of the important information is coming through the way you say it, not what you say. Skilled negotiators pay very close attention to tone of voice and body language to gain additional insights.
Section: 1, Chapter: 8
The F-word - "Fair" - is an emotional term people exploit to put the other side on the defensive. When your counterpart drops the F-bomb, don't get suckered into a concession.
Instead, ask them to explain how you're mistreating them.The best way to use "Fair" is at the start of the negotiation. Say "I want you to feel I'm treating you fairly at all times. So please stop me at any time if you feel I'm being unfair and we'll address it."
Using "Fair" in this way sets you up as an honest dealer and gives your counterpart permission to use the word "Fair" in the negotiation
Section: 1, Chapter: 9
There are 3 voice tones available to negotiators:
- The late-night FM DJ voice: Use selectively to make a point. Downward inflecting, calm and slow. Creates an aura of authority and trustworthiness without triggering defensiveness.
- The positive/playful voice: Should be your default. Voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Relax and smile while talking.
- The direct or assertive voice: Used rarely. Will cause problems and pushback.
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
When someone feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, they become much more likely to open up and reveal more of themselves. This is called unconditional positive regard, and it is crucial to reaching negotiation breakthroughs.
Negotiators can trigger it by skillfully summarizing and labeling their counterpart's perspective until they respond with "that's right."
Humans have an innate urge to socially constructive behavior. The more a negotiator makes their counterpart feel understood and positively affirmed, the more likely they are to act in a positive and collaborative way.
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
Black Swans are powerful unknown unknowns - things we don't know that we don't know. They are events or pieces of information that sit outside our regular expectations and therefore cannot be predicted. For negotiators, Black Swans are the hidden and unexpected pieces of information that, if uncovered, give you an upper hand in the negotiation. For example, in the sale of a company, the Black Swan might be that the owner is going through a divorce and needs to sell quickly.
Section: 1, Chapter: 10
"The other guy has stuff he's not showing you, and you're going to have to get him to talk about it. To uncover these things, you have to let him go first. You've got to really listen and look for those opportunities where he reveals his hand."
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
Humans are not rational beings, we are emotional, irrational beasts prone to cognitive biases. Negotiation is not about logic and intellect, it's about emotions and feelings.
To be a great negotiator, you have to get over your aversion to negotiating. Don't avoid conflict, learn to embrace it. Negotiation is really about getting what you want from others in a psychologically savvy way.
Successful negotiation involves getting your counterpart to do the work for you by triggering their own internal pressures and desires. The goal is to have them make your argument for you.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
When someone is ignoring your emails, there are two magic phrases that almost always get a response.
- Email 1: "Have you given up on this project?" This suggests you are ready to walk away, triggering their FOMO.
- Email 2: "It seems like you are unable to provide an update, I understand. Let me know if I should call your supervisor to get the information."
This creates social pressure not to be seen as unresponsive.Both of these use calibrated questions and labels to reignite engagement from your counterpart and get things moving again.
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
The sweetest two words in any negotiation are "That's right." When someone says "you're right" they are not really agreeing, just getting you to leave them alone.
But when they say "that's right", they feel truly understood and are open to being persuaded. Strive to reach "that's right" not "you're right." To get to "that's right", summarize and paraphrase their worldview back to them until they respond with "that's right." This creates breakthroughs.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
Pushing hard for "yes" doesn't actually get a negotiator any closer to a win, it just angers the other side. No one likes feeling persuaded or pushed around."
No" is not rejection, it often means things like: I am not yet ready to agree; You are making me feel uncomfortable; I do not understand; I don't think I can afford it; I want something else; I need more information; or I want to talk it over with someone else.
Great negotiators seek "No" because they know that's often when the real negotiation begins. "No" provides a great opportunity for both parties to clarify what they don't want, and ultimately work together to craft a solution.
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
Labeling is a way of validating someone's emotion by acknowledging it verbally. Give their emotion a name and you show you identify with how they feel.
The key is to label in a neutral tone, staying calm yourself. Simple phrases like "It seems like..." or "It sounds like..." work well. The magic of labeling emotions is it diffuses them. When people feel understood, their defensive walls come down and they are more open to influence.
Labeling negative emotions helps to de-escalate conflicts, while positively affirming your counterpart's worldview.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow. It's bringing our attention to both the emotional obstacles and the potential pathways to getting an agreement done. The steps are:
- Actively listen to their side
- Vocalize the underlying emotions you hear (labeling)
- Pause and let them talk more
- Repeat until they have vented all their emotions and feel understood
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Good negotiators enter interactions with a mindset of discovery, looking to extract and observe as much information as possible. But most people enter with assumptions and arguments already in their head, which blinds them to what is really happening.
Hold multiple hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them. Don't treat your assumptions as gospel but as your negotiating counterpart's positions and arguments unfold before you.
Great negotiators question the assumptions that others accept on faith, and thus remain more emotionally open to all possibilities.
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
Using your own name creates the dynamic of "forced empathy" - it makes the other side see you as a person.Voss likes to use his own name to cut through the business tension and create a personal connection, often in a fun playful way.
For example, when a store clerk asks him if he wants to join their rewards program, he'll say "I'd love to, but only if I can get the Chris discount." Then he smiles. Or when negotiating a contract and feeling pushed into a corner, he'll say "C'mon, I'm Chris, just give me the Chris price."
Humanizing yourself with your own name is a great way to break down barriers and make the other side want to cooperate with you.
Section: 1, Chapter: 8
In the 1993 Waco siege, negotiators were dealing with David Koresh, a man who believed he was the Messiah. Traditional bargaining tactics and "rational" arguments were useless. The FBI negotiators tried to get Koresh to see their way but ended up in a series of useless confrontational showdowns.
In situations like this, negotiators need to avoid head-on disagreements and instead "seduce" the other party by asking calibrated "How?" questions.
For example, instead of telling Koresh his demands were crazy, they could have asked "How am I supposed to get that for you?" This would have made Koresh feel in control while still leading him to realize his position was unreasonable.
Section: 1, Chapter: 7
To uncover Black Swans and gain leverage, you need to dig into your counterpart's worldview - what Voss calls their "religion".
Your counterpart's religion is what they believe is important, what their organization values, their standards for what is fair or good or worthy.
By understanding your counterpart's religion, you can craft your proposal in a way that resonates with what they believe and what they value. You uncover your counterpart's religion by listening closely, picking up clues in how they talk about themselves, their company, and their values.
Section: 1, Chapter: 10
The rule of reciprocation states that we feel obliged to repay in kind what others have provided us. If someone does us a favor, we feel indebted to do something for them in return.
- This is a powerful rule that exists in all human societies
- It allows for unequal exchanges to happen, trusting the debt will be repaid
- It builds trust, community, and stable social structures for sharing resources
Section: 1, Chapter: 2
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